Things i want but too expensive to buy
Sunday, August 17, 2014, Sunday, August 17, 2014
*hint hint*

wacom bamboo tablet drawing pad
new laptop?(my current one is about 4 years old)
(red) memory hard disk- just because.red.
a mouse. for gaming purposes. heheh
illustration books
crayola colour pencils (i have enough of pencils thanks xD)

red vans sneaker
obey caps
red birkenstock sandals
kate spade wallet/handbag
gold thin necklace
clothes (think H&M, topshop, forever21, cottonon, factorie, zara)

kose moisturizer (green)
face masks
brown eye brown pencil
brown crayon eyeliner
good make up remover
make up brush cleanser
naked basics by urban decay
primer
more lip stains (lipstick rubs off too fast)
mascara
concealer!
you know what....i just need to buy make up.....

most of all. cards. i'm a sentimental person afterall. i still keep all the hand-made stuff given to me since primary school. #truth.

update: AND DR. MARTINS!!! ANKLE BOOTS!!

strong woman
Friday, July 11, 2014, Friday, July 11, 2014
talk about low self esteem. the strongest people is always the weakest. i'm going to start rambling and be incoherent cos my mind is in a mess. i hate you. why are you so pretty? not only that, you have clear skin and you're rich and smart. talk about a bimbo, but you're nice to people. a total mean girl but minus the mean. that's like the total package. so what if you don't have the personality or character? everyone loves you. because you're pretty and you're smart and you're nice enough. it's not fair. and here i am struggling to pass everything and wishing i'll just graduate. no, not even a high distinction. i just bloody want to pass and move on. not that having a job or starting a new chapter of your life would be better, like how i wish to be in secondary school during primary school and wish to be in poly when i was in secondary school and uni when i was in poly. now i'm in uni, i wish i'm free and earning my own keep. but life's not that easy, i learnt it that hard way. yes, and every single time i complain that life's not fair, i keep reminding myself that at least i'm not some kid starving in Africa and that i have a good and intact family, my parents love me and that i have a chance to receive proper education while others are not so lucky. i'm smart enough not to engage myself in drugs or smoke and do things that'll harm myself-physically, at least. why am i doing so poorly when i'm in the best situation? stress you say? unnecessary pressure? unnecessary responsibility that i place on myself? striving to be perfect when it's impossible? i have scars. all over my fucking face. i hate my skin. my grey hair always grow out and i have a fat stomach and ugly nose. i know i know. trust myself to never believe and blindly follow the trends and media portrayal of unrealistic beauty. but i see smart and beautiful people everywhere, plastic or not. and she's one of them. so what if she has stumpy legs? i mean- who looks at the legs? the face is still the most important feature apparently. not only her, there's friends in Oxford, Harvard, all successfully graduating and travelling. they engage in meaningful activities, dance and some even got married. the point is, they are doing something with their lives. they have direction. they know they're doing and they're not stuck like me, depressed and unmotivated and blaming everything about the obstacles in life. not that i never keep trying, but i'm up to the point i'm exhausted. why must i keep studying? good education, good job, good pay, good life, stability. yes i know. but every single one studying is doing that. and i'm one of the bottom few that don't do well in studies. i'm only good and what i like. and so far, there's only three. i like drawing too and friends say i'm decent, but there are so many people out there who are bloody much more fantastic and experienced than me. what are the chances of me ever to be able to at least experience working with pixar, disney or under ghibli studio? who will buy my art? are you kidding me. i self-proclaimed artist. i do not have a name. no way. keep dreaming. talk about fat. it's a miracle you even get a boyfriend at 17. looking back at the pictures, i'm still that ugly piece of fuck. what the hell is with that pudgy nose and pimple infested face and ugly hair cut? talk about delusional. people actually liked me in poly? don't be so harsh on yourself gurlll. at least you're not deformed or anything. that's the meanest thing to say. i'm sorry to all those deformed people. i blame the low self esteem. yeah, blame it all on the low self esteem. you know how i try to psychoanalysize myself? yeah right. and i wonder at all the things i've done wrong and how the environment made me who i am today. yeah, pffft. strong you say. yes i'm strong. i choose not to hear the bad stuff but i already know. ignorant is bliss. but i don't want to be ignorant anymore. i hate not knowing and not kept in the loop. maybe that's why when things don't go my way i blame those who messed it up, when clearly i had a part to play. and it's not too bad already, considering you can't get everyone to like you. excuses. i can if i really wanted to; but i'm only human and i can only do so much. but that's excuses. try explaining those people who excel. what are they then? superior human beings to be worshiped and admired? but since i'm not one of them, clearly i don't it badly enough. then i guess everything boils down to me, myself and i again. how badly do i want it? to be popular? meh. to be pretty? beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i can't die beautiful can i? smart? marks don't mean a shit to me, but society takes them seriously. rich? out of the question. what do i want then? happiness? it's sad. but to be happy, you'll still need that fucking stable job and income to survive in this god forsaken world to eat and live, and this implies that you need to study properly. and don't even start about love. everything is so superficial i come to hate myself sometimes even though i have to learn to love myself. don't you say you've never judged somebody before. we are programmed to judge and perceive things the every millisecond you see something and that's because we're just human.oh lord. just blame the whole life-existence. why live and die then? what are you trying to teach us? appreciate life. so simple to say but so hard to do.enjoy every minute, every feeling. even the fucking bad ones. i mean, you get to only live that once right? existential theory. whatever we do, we still feel that some sort of guilt if you made the right choice. but you have no other way to live. it's the only way. THIS, is what goes on and on and on in my head whenever it's quiet and still and when i'm reflecting. how bothersome. but at the end of the day, i have to appreciate this. and i better start appreciating my fucking ugly face and stupid desolate situation now.get over it and do something about it. what else can i do? and that's why people call me a strong woman. huh.

one last cry
Wednesday, July 02, 2014, Wednesday, July 02, 2014
my shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf
i saw you holding hands
standing close to someone else
now i sit all alone
wishing all my feelings was gone
i gave my best to you
nothing for me to do
but have one last cry

i was here
you were there
guess we never could agree
while the sun shines on you
i need some love to rain on me
still i sit all alone
wishing all my feelings was gone
gotta get over you
nothing for me to do
but have one last cry

one last cry
before i leave it all behind
i gotta put you out of my mind
for the very last time
stop living a lie

i know i gotta be strong
cause round my life goes on and on..

i guess i'm done
to my last cry.


to my grave
Tuesday, June 17, 2014, Tuesday, June 17, 2014
no chance, no way,
i won't say it no, no.

no chance, no way,
don't deny it uh oh.

i won't say..

am i even worth the effort?
Tuesday, May 20, 2014, Tuesday, May 20, 2014

this.

if you don't want to read the whole thing, here's the paragraph you should think about:

After three hours of not speaking to me, it became clear what was really bothering her when she told me emphatically: “You know, Charles, it’s amazing. I don’t care about your ‘date.’ And for all I care, you could have slept with her. But tell me this: When was the last time you took time out of your day and took me to lunch for no reason?”
the lack of passion. the lack of effort, you should have been prepared to invest for a successful relationship which demands past the dating phase. Don't ever be complacent again please.

 it may be a hypocrisy, it may be an excuse. i may be selfish. i may be a liar. i may be a coward. i made a mistake. but what do you know? this is my reason.

INFJ
Sunday, May 18, 2014, Sunday, May 18, 2014
So my friend suggested this 'reliable' personality test online. If you want to know more about me, read on.

I'm a INFJ.


The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) [i like how this website put a percentage rating on their available types of personality and INFJ wasn't given a number. how rare indeed.] and has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions (very stubborn + head-strong), especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons.(doing this for you own good yo.)

INFJ personalities are drawn toward helping those in need: they may rush to the place of a major disaster, participate in rescue efforts, do charity work, etc. INFJs see this as their duty and their purpose (wa seh!) in life. People with this personality type firmly believe that nothing else would help the world as much as getting rid of all the tyrants (though preferably in a non-violent way). Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs.(you help me, i help you. you piss me off, you die.)

These tendencies are also strengthened by the fact that INFJ personalities have a unique combination of idealism and decisiveness. This means that their creativity and imagination can be directed toward a specific goal. Few other personality types have this trait, and this is one of the most important reasons why many INFJs are able to eventually realize their dreams and make a lasting positive impact.
INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language.(if i choose to. hahaha) In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually a very sociable person. (like how i always say, i'm clearly not an extrovert!)

INFJs should be careful to avoid “overheating” as their zeal and determination can sometimes get out of hand. As Introverts (I), INFJs need to have some “alone time” every once in a while; otherwise their internal energy reserves will get depleted really quickly. (right, right and right again!) If this happens, the INFJ may surprise everybody around them by withdrawing from all their activities for a while, and since other people usually see INFJs as always friendly and sociable, this can leave them both surprised and concerned. (and very much confused by my 'on-off' behavior too.)

INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts. Even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally—this is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel. If someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior.(don't judge me, i'm just plain weird.)

Thre are many other sections of this INFJ thing. but the most surprising thing is when i read this:
To begin with, the best careers for INFJ personalities make use of their intuitive skills. INFJs tend to have a very strong intuition, which allows them to accurately judge events, situations, and other people. Furthermore, people with this personality type are idealists, and there is nothing more important than their values and principles. For these reasons, typical INFJ careers often include teaching, counselling, psychology, or creative writing.

counselling and psychology. WTF. how accurate can you get? this test is very clever. just a list of 60 questions and it pin-points the dominant characteristics of a person. me as a psychology student interested in counselling and art therapy, i approve.....additionally:

On the other hand, people with this personality type are very insightful and creative; they tend to be excellent architects, musicians, artists, photographers, designers, etc. The best INFJ career paths revolve around these traits.

artist YO!ok, so lets jump into relationships and dating:

It is hard to manipulate an INFJ as they evaluate the motives of other people very carefully, especially when dating. It is very rare for an INFJ to be tricked or talked into something they did not want. Nevertheless, the INFJs are friendly and full of compassion, even though they can be very picky when it comes to choosing their dating partners. A relationship with an INFJ is a connection that simply cannot be described in everyday terms. (yay)

Preferred partners: ENFP and ENTP types, as their Extraversion (E) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance INFJs’ Introversion (I) and Judging (J) traits. INTJs are also a very strong match as the intuitive connection between INFJ and INTJ is likely to be instantaneous.


it's funny how my ex-boyfriend sounds so much like ENFP and ENTP types. alas, i can't make him do the questionnaire to really find out..; but yes. ENFP & ENTP people, come & talk to me. i'll be here waiting *laughs*

personality radar
Friday, April 25, 2014, Friday, April 25, 2014
well since i'm going to graduate soon & all, might as well do the test that everyone on facebook does.
apparently i'm geared towards action and make swift decisions, plus i'm naturally laid back and able to manage pressure. so much green!

and obviously, i don't like to impose my opinions on others and i hate rivalry. funny, career is not a priority..but progressing at my own sweet time (pace) is important to me xD

TEEHEE.