talk about low self esteem. the strongest people is always the weakest. i'm going to start rambling and be incoherent cos my mind is in a mess. i hate you. why are you so pretty? not only that, you have clear skin and you're rich and smart. talk about a bimbo, but you're nice to people. a total mean girl but minus the mean. that's like the total package. so what if you don't have the personality or character? everyone loves you. because you're pretty and you're smart and you're nice enough. it's not fair. and here i am struggling to pass everything and wishing i'll just graduate. no, not even a high distinction. i just bloody want to pass and move on. not that having a job or starting a new chapter of your life would be better, like how i wish to be in secondary school during primary school and wish to be in poly when i was in secondary school and uni when i was in poly. now i'm in uni, i wish i'm free and earning my own keep. but life's not that easy, i learnt it that hard way. yes, and every single time i complain that life's not fair, i keep reminding myself that at least i'm not some kid starving in Africa and that i have a good and intact family, my parents love me and that i have a chance to receive proper education while others are not so lucky. i'm smart enough not to engage myself in drugs or smoke and do things that'll harm myself-physically, at least. why am i doing so poorly when i'm in the best situation? stress you say? unnecessary pressure? unnecessary responsibility that i place on myself? striving to be perfect when it's impossible? i have scars. all over my fucking face. i hate my skin. my grey hair always grow out and i have a fat stomach and ugly nose. i know i know. trust myself to never believe and blindly follow the trends and media portrayal of unrealistic beauty. but i see smart and beautiful people everywhere, plastic or not. and she's one of them. so what if she has stumpy legs? i mean- who looks at the legs? the face is still the most important feature apparently. not only her, there's friends in Oxford, Harvard, all successfully graduating and travelling. they engage in meaningful activities, dance and some even got married. the point is, they are doing something with their lives. they have direction. they know they're doing and they're not stuck like me, depressed and unmotivated and blaming everything about the obstacles in life. not that i never keep trying, but i'm up to the point i'm exhausted. why must i keep studying? good education, good job, good pay, good life, stability. yes i know. but every single one studying is doing that. and i'm one of the bottom few that don't do well in studies. i'm only good and what i like. and so far, there's only three. i like drawing too and friends say i'm decent, but there are so many people out there who are bloody much more fantastic and experienced than me. what are the chances of me ever to be able to at least experience working with pixar, disney or under ghibli studio? who will buy my art? are you kidding me. i self-proclaimed artist. i do not have a name. no way. keep dreaming. talk about fat. it's a miracle you even get a boyfriend at 17. looking back at the pictures, i'm still that ugly piece of fuck. what the hell is with that pudgy nose and pimple infested face and ugly hair cut? talk about delusional. people actually liked me in poly? don't be so harsh on yourself gurlll. at least you're not deformed or anything. that's the meanest thing to say. i'm sorry to all those deformed people. i blame the low self esteem. yeah, blame it all on the low self esteem. you know how i try to psychoanalysize myself? yeah right. and i wonder at all the things i've done wrong and how the environment made me who i am today. yeah, pffft. strong you say. yes i'm strong. i choose not to hear the bad stuff but i already know. ignorant is bliss. but i don't want to be ignorant anymore. i hate not knowing and not kept in the loop. maybe that's why when things don't go my way i blame those who messed it up, when clearly i had a part to play. and it's not too bad already, considering you can't get everyone to like you. excuses. i can if i really wanted to; but i'm only human and i can only do so much. but that's excuses. try explaining those people who excel. what are they then? superior human beings to be worshiped and admired? but since i'm not one of them, clearly i don't it badly enough. then i guess everything boils down to me, myself and i again. how badly do i want it? to be popular? meh. to be pretty? beauty is in the eye of the beholder. i can't die beautiful can i? smart? marks don't mean a shit to me, but society takes them seriously. rich? out of the question. what do i want then? happiness? it's sad. but to be happy, you'll still need that fucking stable job and income to survive in this god forsaken world to eat and live, and this implies that you need to study properly. and don't even start about love. everything is so superficial i come to hate myself sometimes even though i have to learn to love myself. don't you say you've never judged somebody before. we are programmed to judge and perceive things the every millisecond you see something and that's because we're just human.oh lord. just blame the whole life-existence. why live and die then? what are you trying to teach us? appreciate life. so simple to say but so hard to do.enjoy every minute, every feeling. even the fucking bad ones. i mean, you get to only live that once right? existential theory. whatever we do, we still feel that some sort of guilt if you made the right choice. but you have no other way to live. it's the only way. THIS, is what goes on and on and on in my head whenever it's quiet and still and when i'm reflecting. how bothersome. but at the end of the day, i have to appreciate this. and i better start appreciating my fucking ugly face and stupid desolate situation now.get over it and do something about it. what else can i do? and that's why people call me a strong woman. huh.
my shattered dreams and broken heart
are mending on the shelf
i saw you holding hands
standing close to someone else
now i sit all alone
wishing all my feelings was gone
i gave my best to you
nothing for me to do
but have one last cry

i was here
you were there
guess we never could agree
while the sun shines on you
i need some love to rain on me
still i sit all alone
wishing all my feelings was gone
gotta get over you
nothing for me to do
but have one last cry

one last cry
before i leave it all behind
i gotta put you out of my mind
for the very last time
stop living a lie

i know i gotta be strong
cause round my life goes on and on..

i guess i'm done
to my last cry.