EX means:

our time has EXpired,
now, you have to EXit my life,
thank you for the EXperience.

so long(:


one fucking work. GUYS.

the cheek of you to ask when you already have your arms around someone else. don't lie to me that you cared. DON'T. you were the one who chose to be with her. you. like i said , i was hysterical at first. but i was expecting it to happen sooner or later and it was indeed the final blow. it showed me that you already moved on to someone else. you liked love someone else and she should be your priority now. she should be the one in your heart now. not me. what you missed is not me. you missed familiarity. because we have been fucking together for three years, we know each other too much, we were too comfortable. and she's only been with you for 4?5? months? give her time. she will love all of you and be able to handle all of you. she will be the one to take care of you. don't take it for granted again. i'm annoyed because you were the one putting your arms someone else and you said you missed me? yes. she's not me. different girls have different ways of loving their partner. if you missed something that i did for you, you should tell her to do it for you. i'm sure she'll comply because she's your girlfriend and i'm not. the irony. you, the one who appears to have moved on first and found someone else miss me? me, the one who decided to fully let go once you found someone new; finally also decided to find someone new. but was fucking turned down. so don't worry. i won't be fucking liking anyone for now. i'm just going to cling to whatever dignity i have left and lift my head high.

GUYS. don't fucking mess with me.

you regretted. and you'll regret.



oh no no no no no ..

i just finished having a talk on Friday.
and now the boy i used to love wants to 'talk about us'.

i am in panic mode.
not again.
he'll regret it, they said.
i'm just going to be selfish again; i hope so too.

i asked them,
am i so undesirable?
am i that unattractive?
does my personality and character stink?

is there something majorly wrong with me that i have to change?

no.
like he said, i'll have to like you for you;

that of course,
you'll have to like me for me too.

the only thing unfair to me is that;
to me, your reason for not choosing me is not a proper reason at all.

i'm sorry if i'm being a bitch;
but you better regret it.

for not even giving this a chance.
i lost my faith, my dignity. this is comparable to the other times where i 'never felt so low in my life'.

but you burned my wings and i fell again.
it hurts.
i don't know what i'm supposed to do now.

but i just realized how much i liked you.
why now?

you only know how much something or someone means to you when they dissappear.
it hurts.

when i finally decide not to care,
i just had to see everything i didn't want to see,

it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
that gnawing feeling doesn't go away even after days.

i want it to stop.
why the fuck must i realize this now.

that i might have actually liked you for the longest time,
but refuse to admit because i fear my heart being broken.

it hurts you know. that fucking feeling of your heart getting pierced and left there to bleed. 
and i just have to see all that that i didn't want to see;

what's worse than suffering from a broken heart?
when you realize you suffer from a broken heart and you can't do anything about it because you are not together in the first place.
i'm sick and tired.
i give up.

i just want to go home.
go back to my family, my girlfriends.

i wished i could be more assertive.
but i can't.

that feeling of being powerless-
that fear stricken me;

the feeling of a rock stuck in your throat
and there's knots in your stomach.

what did i do wrong again?

if there were ever be another chance again,

"i'm sorry"
"please don't hate me"

even though i don't think i did wrong,
even though i don't know what i did wrong.

i'm taking the initiative.

i'll just let people walk all over me again.
i'll be okay.

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.
-Mother Teresa

i will try, mother Teresa.
what else did i expect?

nothing. of course.
i'm still a fool
fuck, how many times do you want to make me cry for you.
i fucking cried over you guys.
i don't want people to fall apart because of some fucking politic.

how can i not fucking not worry and pretend everything is fine.
i can't.

even if you're okay,
i'm fucking not.

i don't think i was in the wrong at all to want to know the other side of the story.
i fucking did not say anything.

he's not stupid too.
why should i tell him anything when he already knows.

no, no thank you,
i take that back, i'm not sorry.

i'm only sorry that you did not see how everything affects me so,
when i'm concerned by everyone's welfare including yours.

that is why i detach myself from caring too much.
when i care, your problem becomes mine.

and when i try to help, it becomes worse because no one fucking wants my help.
so when the time when help is actually needed,

why the fuck should i care?

BUT I STILL DID.

fuck my life.
i presume my social worker life would be like this too.
i need to write this down. else i'll go bonkers and be distracted from doing my essay. yesterday happened. so many things. it was further confirmed that the boy i used to love is dating my best friend's good friend. yes, ugh. vomit. i allow you to. that was my initial reaction. how could he. he moved on without me. he found someone else better (i presume) than me. he has already brought her to meet his friends. i wonder what his friends are going to say about her. do they like her more than me? does his parents like her more than me? from the day i lost him- i've lost. and i'm not going to imagine all the things that he did to me to her. ugh ugh ugh.

but then, they boy i used to love has vanished. from what i have seen or heard, he's regressed. to someone he used to be before i even came into his life- or worse. dear dear bunny. do you know that he doesn't like crowds? he's socially awkward he said. did he tell you that? he doesn't stand for nonsense- did you know that? he's extremely stubborn and has a huge ego, did you know that? even so, i used to like that part of him- it's so funny how he goes his way to do all those things he'll never do for others but only me. but can you make him do that for you as well? to make him trust you completely with his ego to make him do things for you when he doesn't. because he loved me and not because it's his job. but maybe. maybe because he knows it's a boyfriend's job to calm your insecurities- to maintain his ego, he calms you down. i don't know. but he was patient with me. can you do that bunny?

will you stand by him and listen to his woes? will you show genuine care and concern during his time in the force? will you be with him when his friends are not there always there for him? are you able to connect and be part of his group of friends? can you light a smile in his face whenever his comes out from army, sweaty and smelly and exhausted? will you love him for him, no matter how much he changed or will not change? will you love his family too, be nice to his brother, respect his father and engage with his mother? will you play with champ his dog and bring him out for walks and fawn over him? do you have the patience to wait for him to grow up and make him understand that the world is not against him and that he has to stop feeling sorry for himself? are you able to break down his strong-front and make him proud of who he is, inspire him to have a goal, a vision for tomorrow and not just accept death when it's time to die? yes, to be able to accept death anytime may sound great to him; but we're so young. there's so much more challenges and possibilities in the near future; so many things he hasn't tried. why on earth does he accept death so easily? please. i tried to change his mind. but then he lived for me and not for himself. that's wrong too. so can you take over my role bunny? make him a even better person of himself, make him realize life is not his enemy?

i figured out the real reason why he chose you. i may not be correct; but it's unhealthy for both of you. he cannot give you the things you wanted. he's even more fragile than you. you left your perfect boyfriend and went to him. he chose you because it stroked his ego. you chose him rather than your perfect boyfriend. that's what i perceived. again, i might be wrong. nevertheless, it's not doing any of you two any good. i'm not saying you should leave him be- but don't expect too much of him yet. since you claimed to see being with him long term- be patient. let him go to you, let him make his choice. he will come to you when he's ready. but sometimes he tend to take too long. so i left. so can you bunnny- take care of him when i can't?

i loved the old him. but the new one, he's all yours. what's left of my feelings for him are regret, gratefulness and concern. he took good care of me the whole time. mostly. but eventually, i couldn't do the same for him. so bunny, can you do that for him? all the hate, jealousy and negative feelings i had surprisingly vanished some time ago when i wasn't watching. all i see is a broken boy who turned to you for comfort, for joy, for support. will you love him till the ends of the earth like you promised?

cat.
thanks babe for telling me i look like a Asian version of Megan Fox.
you know what?
i don't want to hurt myself again.

yes i do like you. but it's not love.
there's no progress to ignite this romance.

no matter how much i don't want this illusion to end,
let's be honest with each other.

i'll make the move and ask you the questions you dare not.
i wonder what are you so afraid of.

i'm sick of keeping silent and still.
if i were me and can do whatever i liked,

i would just trample and stomp into your room and pounce. i would wring my arm around your neck and wrestle behind you, and then plonk on your lap and disturb whatever activities you're doing. i'll stop you from completing your 'duties' and 'responsibilities' and hug you all day long. i would kiss your cheek your lips you neck your ears your face. i will not let you go. not let you go far, not so long, not too late. i'll cling on to you and stick to you like a sore thumb. that's how i'll grab your fucking attention and not let you get away from me.

but life doesn't work that way.
i don't know what i'm waiting for anymore.

getting isolated moments of affection and attention from you who is otherwise guarded and distant in front of others. and because of that, it makes me hang on every move you make; to see if it's going to be the one that ruins or completely makes my day.

thinking of you constantly, with rather few interactions in real life, even when i made the effort to come by and knock; you're not even there. i understand. assignments are priority. and probably your other friends and members of your committee. then feeling hurt i ask, where do i stand? thinking about you, my thoughts and desires wished are just imaginary.

and that, getting your attention once in a blue moon from you, someone whom i perceive to be much involved, popular, social and worthy than me is enough. that affection and attention which i perceive and hope that only i receive, makes me feel honored. that getting a bit of your time is ample, not caring how i want the feelings to be reciprocated in daylight.

unless it's because of our wrong start, we see each other as the default option again and again- i became incredibly comfortable being with you without really feeling any romantic emotions, only waiting to see what happens and hoping something actually do develop after awhile. and because of this, seeing you in darkness has to be discreet and somewhat hidden and unspoken- pretending what's real only happens in the night and shadows.

maybe because you think i'm still trying to move on from a relationship or because i'm moving away. or because i'm too open, too mysterious, too experienced, too complicated?doing whatever done pricks your self-conscious, because you're unready, too unsure, too private, too inexperienced, too indecisive? being overwhelmed by the whole forbidden nature of it we can't really understand how we actually feel about it. or maybe you assume i'm doing all this because i am attempting to re-ignite a relationship i used to have and miss; and our times together is simply to recreate something i used to have and lost?

so is this love? is this romance? or have i been mistaking it for something else?

you let it go.
time flew and yet nothing happened.
well, i tried.

so it's time to cease.
i deserve so much more than this.
bad days ahead.

can i have a cuddle please?

i want to sit on your lap and gently snuggle up close,
sniff at your collarbone and embrace you,
curling up and rest ever so peacefully; and purr.

if i can't have that,
well, i won't ask for much.

a long hug will do?
eu mus giv inz tu mah demanz.

meow
i thought i forgot what it means to be shy.
but my body remembered.

my heart was beating so fast.
oh don't you lie.

you knew don't you?

you said your mind wasn't clouded,
you knew how exposed i felt.

wanton awaken.
it has been so so long.
one moment you take things into your own hand,
and the very next you pull away.

just a little more & you'll sweep me off my feet.
or are you planning to really wait till the end of the year?

well my answer is simple.
i would go out with you.

if you asked me.

it's always like that.
just freaking ask me out.

it's about over half a year,
it takes longer than that to get to know a person;

their likes and dislikes,
what turns them on and off,
what ticks them off and their pet peeves,
their habits, beliefs and true character.

it's all very important you know.
plus, i'm graduating soon,

i'll be moving on first,
i'll be getting my first proper paycheck first.

i'll be growing up first,
i'll be far away.

i know i don't do well long distance.
so considering all this,

will you still ask me out?
though, i like where we are now.

did i mention?
i absolutely love cuddles.
ignore the previous post.
that's what happened when you see a girl in a fit.

please ignore my violent tendencies;
i'm not usually like that......i think.

i'm totally okay now.
like TOTALLY okay. serious.

i would like to avoid the endless cycle of bitch fits in case the bunnies sees the post. a pretty birdie told me you felt inferior. why should you when you're taking something someone i used to love successfully huh? well it has been about 9 months. pretty birdie reminded me that people change. the person i used to love is now different; gone. so i need to remind myself that whatever invisible strings i had been clinging on has vanished. that i need to fully let go of the past i treasured so dearly. whatever i had been holding on is merely a shadow of the past- and now he's a stranger, all moved on and already dating you. funny how i was the one who ended all this, but am the one still lingering around. you can't measure pain. you can't measure love too- since it's subjective. was his pain greater that he had to turn to another so quickly to heal? or was i the one foolishly unable to bear seeing the nurtured love die? the one who silently held on and decided to only move on when he finds someone new, someone who can bring him happiness that i promised to give, someone to take care of the things broken? someone he could hold on to and love with all his heart and soul, and promise that he'll love till death do them apart.

i had my wish. to see him happy again.
so well,

i give you my blessings,
i wish you all the best.
i officially start hating bunnies and penguins.
yes i felt anger and jealously,

but mostly,
disgust. revolt. irksome.

like i said, i have no rights to judge.
but her?

seriously?
i expected more from you.

i have half the mind you guys are calling each other bun-bun or pi-pi.
like omgggg. goosebumps.

i wonder what you see in her.
or her in you.

i mean, yea i know, you have alot of good qualities.
but i don't know if she can handle the rest.

well since you already brought her to see your friends,
i guess it's already a done deal.

i've got so many nasty things to say.
dear lord forgive me.

i've already pictured myself pulling out those cute little ears of hers, tearing out her hair. punching her chubby cheeks and grabbing her puny face and say 'why you?'. till i see her body black and blue and blood tickling down her lips will i ever be so satisfied. trash. try to look cute now; bunnie.

wow, violent tendency much?
just imagining it pleased me. HAHAHAHA. i'm such a sadist.

i'm so much bigger than her- i doubt she can win me in a cat fight.
it's a cat's fight. precisely. well, unless she took some martial class.

but a pure brawl is different from the respected martial arts.
there are no rules, no regulations.

if's she's playboy hunny bunny,
i'm the ferocious wild cat.

i'll tear her apart with my mind.
but you know what?

i won't.

it's not worth it.
fighting over you, that is.

i surrender this fight,
let her win- she can have you.

i'll tuck my tail away and find someone new.
i am indeed thinking too much.
it's just a promise he wants to keep.

fix it, return it, nothing to with it.

i am overreacting.
i think i need to be checked if i'm suffering from delusions or something.



i don't know what to think of it.
i'd admit i was happy, but yet it hurts at the same time.

happy because you remembered,
and possibly still cared.

and that you still know what i like.

and then i saw the card, unsigned;
i know it's you. i just know.

then i bracelet with my name on it fell out;
i became overwhelmed.

yes, i cried.
om my way to class.

i don't know what to think of it.

are you trying to torment me?
trying to remind me of all those happy times together?
are you trying to say you've moved on?
what are you telling me?

it's like the best and worse combination.
something i gave to you- all my feelings with it.
a bracelet with my name, put on you- to show that you're mine.

sending it back all the way; to me,
just means that you're not mine anymore.

i know that.
but this is just too cruel.

are you trying to emphasize your point?
that you're not longer mine?

i said i haven't cried for you for the longest time.
but now i did again.

a present so sweet yet sorrowful.
what should i think of it?

tell me.

and if ever, you bought them with her;
it'll be sweet, sorrow and seething.