i think i forgive others too easily.
and i can never ever stay angry for long periods of time.

i would end up crying if i were.
i mean, how does staying angry benefit me in any way?

so i guess what i'm trying to say is,
i'm easily pushed around.

but once i realize i'm taken for granted,
i turn into stone.

void of all feelings,
hardened, and so very prepared to be left in the garden.
one more time this happens again;
i'm gonna wash my hands off all this.

pretty pissed of.
like really. seriously.

see, being immature and childish again.
whatever.

you know what?
fuck it.

it was the last straw.
i deserved so much than that;

goodbye,
good riddance.
i went through my facebook messages so happened to see my conversations since years ago. i realized how much of an immature kid i was. i guess i still am. still needing people to baby me. talk about independence. i used to rely heavily on others last time. my lord. and here i am saying i'm a strong independent woman. but well... ....i still throw tempers and silly fits by having cold wars. and when things screw up i won't do anything to change it but comfort myself by avoidance and denial.

looked back at myself and giggled like a little girl. i swear i'm so cute and childish. in a good and bad way. but still! cute. but adults shouldn't whine and throw tempers around anymore right? right.

who am i kidding? i have to grow up and be a lady now. le sigh.

on a side note, *cross my fingers*; i hope i haven't lost my spark yet. managed to 'click' with a few people this week. hopefully i can make more new connections and expand my social circle. problem. what's that Malaysian person's name again?

my baddddd.
want to change my blogskin but i don't see anything i like..
a design which i'll use for a few years and not get sick of, like this current one.

clean and simple, everything in the center for easy reading.
and the rest of the basic stuff on the sides, all displayed so that people can just scroll down instead of clicking everywhere to find chatbox, affiliations and most importantly, archives.

of course, one nice and meaningful picture above or behind the text,
not too much patterns, not too much overlapping.
and not too much fancy fonts or contrasting colours.

something easy for my eyes.
too much to ask for? xD

as usual, procrastinating and scrolling down on facebook when i come across this link:
http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-37-years-of-marriage/

i've always been interested in articles like this..what strike me was numbers 5 and 6. i realize i'm always trying to 'help' others. always wanting to help them change for the better when it's not my job. because i love them therefore i'm constantly trying to push them. it's for their own good. i'm doing for them.

don't. i would love it if he changes for me, but it's up to them to find out what's best for them. but you know what? if he doesn't change no matter what i say, it's quite sad. do you even take into account of how i'm trying to help you? constantly worrying about you, how you feel, and even torn when you seem so downcast for so long. i was always there; always. but you it doesn't seem like you appreciated how i'm trying to help or support you. what can i do then?

of course, overtime, i realize that it's not my job to make you happy. but of course, i would definitely and most willingly make you happy. i loved spending time with you doing absolutely nothing. just being with you, in your presence and lying on your shoulder, wishing time would stop. but ultimately, i can't help you find your happiness. you have to find your own way of being happy. you own way of appreciating happiness, your own way of feeling this blissful emotion with me.

things eventually didn't work out, there is so much i should have and shouldn't have done. i should have outwardly said that i hate seeing you down in the dumps for far too long and it's making me distance away from you. i should have slapped you in the face and say that this is stupid. just because your parents favor your brother doesn't mean they don't love you. doesn't mean they won't pay for your education means it's the end for you. doesn't mean local universities doesn't accept you means others won't. doesn't mean you can't pay for it mean you should just give up and fall into your mopey depression state for so long- you can work first and save up. doesn't mean  your father accusing you of taking pocket money at 21 means you can just throw your joint account card at him. that doesn't mean you cannot talk to your mother about it and be courteous about it. i know i have no place in your family to judge or make you do all these things. but no matter how many times i tried giving you suggestions, advice or help, you've never listened. is it so hard to reason nicely with your parents? sure, they may be biased or throw you into the lion's pit when you're a helpless little kid- but i don't see a reason why you can't speak your mind about your own concerns and make an agreement over your education and money. with that short time of three years being with you, i grew fond of your parents. i may not agree with the way they run the household, but i can be damn sure they are not unreasonable people. i loved how your mother treats me like an equal and invited me over during festive seasons and dinner. and even a text saying that she's sad to see me go, and that we should keep in contact. good lord. what's wrong with you? i'm not her son. please. talk to your parents. i'm not your girlfriend anymore. i will not attempt to mend this loose ties. it may not be loose in the first place- you may just be running away from it and learnt this helplessness. snap out of it.

i've said my piece. i might have more. but that is how much i was concerned over you. i didn't leave because you were not a 'officer' or lowly driver. i accepted your insomnia, your many incidents of 'helplessness', your family, your friends, you. i left because i felt i wasn't needed when i was there and so weren't you when i needed you the most. that's why i cheated and regretted. i left because i hoped you'll snap out of it and grow up to face reality. we all are fighting lions. i left because i was guilty and i couldn't forgive myself- knowing me, it went against my morals and dignity. but somehow or another, i still cheated. so i felt you deserved better but so did i. i left because i had to move on with my life first. your family may not mean as much to you, but my family mean the world to me. and i have to graduate and enter the work force fast, to lessen their burden and help my siblings. i left because i don't want to carry an extra baggage. truth hurts, but i can't keep taking your troubles and make them mine- it left me emotionally and psychologically drained. if left because, after much deliberation, sleepless nights and swollen eyes, that separation was the best choice for both of us. let me be the bad guy, so be it, until the very end.

whatever i say now may be meaningless and insignificant to you. but i loved you so very much. again, i'm sorry. i wished i could have done things differently. but it has been more than half a year, i do think about you now and then. i do not cry for you anymore, but i really do wish you all the best and have hope. believe in that faith and that everything would be alright. you changed my life and i hope i have too. we have to go separate ways now, but don't give up on yourself, your family or love.

how did i end up here?
oh well. never mind.

love, grace.


can't wait to get back ;-)
for once, i do not need to worry any longer.

from what i've felt and seen,
everything doesn't matter to him anymore.

whatever i say or do is in the past.
& now, more than strangers but less then friends;

i'm free.
i no longer feel pain looking at places where we've been.

that's memories to keep;
and i look forward making new ones.

the time is almost ripe,
i'm almost done forgiving myself,

letting go of what i should have let go;
and give myself a second chance.

it's time to face my future,
and meet new people.

i'm hopeful-
as always.
repeat after me:

i will not care, i will not care, i will not care, i will not care, i will not care, i will not care, i will not care.

better?

now go and shower; and do your work.

good girl.


i swear i need to baby myself sometimes.
i realized i've been wasting so much time worrying something so insignificant. wondering if you even cared. wondering if you ever thought of me, wondering if flirting with someone else, wondering if i even hold a place in your heart.

what on earth am i doing? i'm supposed to be studying, not day-dreaming and and let fate help make decisions. i became complacent. i know i'm not stupid. i really have to banish my bad habits of mine. i need to stop procrastinating, stop being distracting, being doubtful and insecure.

if i want something, i can do it. high locus of control; remember grace? do it now, don't think about the past and future. embrace now, the present. self-control. be daring. take the first step. the rest will follow suit and catch up.

be brave and get your head in the game!
like a cat in heat.

i must look disgustlingly needy and obvious.
but i just can't help it.

that devil tail is in full spring-
i won't be satisfied until you fall prey.

until you surrender everything you have,
and show your true fangs.

come at me,
take all you want;

i will endure all your games;
but don't leave me empty.
come little children
i'll take thee away, into a land
of enchantment

come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden
of shadow

follow sweet children
i'll show thee the way
through all the pain and
the sorrows

weep not poor children
for life is this way
murdering beauty and
passions

hush now dear children
it must be this way
to weary of life and
deceptions

rest now my children
for soon we'll away
into the calm and
the quiet

come little children
i'll take thee away, into a land
of enchantment

come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden
of shadows

i lost to a small girl who is older than me.
good job grace, good job.

fuck it.
i want to cry.

purely because it releases endorphins;
it makes me feel better.

regardless of my sluggish behavior or puffy eyes the next day;
i just want to cry.

everything poured out,
leaving me as an empty shell again.

then i can take whatever shit thrown at me,
before another meltdown again.

yes,

i shall hide under my covers and cry.



i'm not so sure.

but thanks.
having a 'oriental' face with a sharp jaw line doesn't sound too bad.

i wonder what you see me as.

i want to give up on my foolishness.
but i can't help but hope.

what are we now?

don't leave me hanging and confused.
cause i want to close that chapter and start a new one.

no worrying, no jealousy, no anxiety.

and waiting for something to happen,
when there's obviously nothing yet for so long.

it sucks.

yearning and hoping for something i have lost-
it's all so alien to me.




i miss my secondary school friends.
gabby, grace, michelle. sometimes, avina, carrie.

what happened to all of us?

i miss the cheerful, blissful days where we give each other hugs when we greet each other in the morning, walk to our respective classes and settle down for the anthem.

even though i was the only one from a different class, i often or always wave to you guys or give a wink whenever i walk past your class. and when we have class together, chinese and literature, we always sit together without fail.

we pass notes to each other under the table, draw on each other's notes and textbooks and give messages to pass the time. we giggle and study together. we talk about boys, school, our problems, our future, everything.

we're branded. we were known to be the artsy fartsy gang. we're close knitted. we loved each other for who we are, no matter the differences in skill or experience.

recess was our joy, we rush to queue, and buy food for each other when we're down late. then we always have a private corner in the foyer to eat our grub. our view oversee the school field and the canteen; the other girls eating too, bickering, gossiping, chit-chatting over the short half an hour break before the school bell rings.

we can talk about anything in the world. we were so innocent then. school ends and we meet at each other's classes; depending on which teachers release us first. we will walk together, to the bus stop. sometimes, we wait for our parents to pick us up or say see you when we have to leave for our co-curriculum.

we will always hug when we say goodbye, 'see you tomorrow'- with a smile, believing that our friendship will never end. we were each other's priority. at least, for me. i've never been so glad to share this bond with my girl-friends. we learn together, grow together.

it never did end. but what happened to us now?

ariel, rachel, andrea, payal.

i have a different group of friends. i was part of yours too. you guys are the smart-asses. but i was the only arty one. but i was also taken in, accepted as part of you guys.

i sat with ariel and rachel for the most part, and andrea with payal. we called ourselves the back-row-trio. i wasn't stupid, but i was last in the top class, struggling with ariel. but i had fun.

i was always in awe with rachel's brains. a true hard-working and intelligent lady. studies first, boys- ugh. literally. the mature one, who chides me with my nonsense with st patrick boys. ariel, my buddy for disturbing rachel, and always asking for explanation for schoolwork. especially chemistry and mathematics. i still remembered that time when we tried pulling your arm-hair using squash-tape. it was hilarious. rachel's ones managed to be pulled out. but mine didn't.

i felt like a loser for being the last in class. but i still felt belonged with you guys- i was grateful and loved how you guys leave me messages or encouragement or random notes in my journal. i was always the one distracted in class; and always disturb you guys. but you gladly joined in; and still manage to do well in school.

payal, i wasn't close to you, but i like having you around too. you make the funniest racist jokes- since you were the only one who is not chinese. i was close to andrea initially; we had the same co-curriculum inside and outside school. floorball and judo brought us together. we talk about guys too, and many of your secret crushes which are not so secret after awhile. its funny how we used to like the same guy and you tried to back down for me. but i was so dense before- he liked you way before. i only saw what you did for me and i'm sorry it didn;t work out between you two. but i enjoyed seeing you brave and courageous to confess to every guy you liked. and when things don't get going, you'll tell me.

we fivesome are still tight. we do meet up often. but it's saddening to see us keep changing our meeting days and it only seem to me that ariel and i making the effort to clear our plans to suit your timings. we do understand all of us have activities, priorities, family and things going on with our lives. but what place does your old friends have in your heart?

we did learn and grow up together- 2 years at least, some of us, 4 years, some 6, some ten. and as of 2013, we have known each other for 14 years. i find you guys a significant part of my life. do you as well? don't take us for granted. at least, do settle on the date, stick to it, and don't be 2 hours late.

i hope we can still go on strong.

girls, i miss you, let's all gather, and bitch together one day; when we all settle down. how does that sound?
should i leave a distance?
i don't want to get hurt again.

hate feeling jealous.
especially when you're not even mine.


i see.
so that's your answer?

i guess you've tried.
so kudos.

goodbye to you too.
hey, i know what i said,
this is crazy,
but *outstretch my arms*
hug me maybe?
i can see how you're trying. but i'm sorry. i won't and can't go with the flow right now. it's not fair to you when i'm still halfway stuck living in the past. i don't ever want to use you for my selfish needs. you are a nice distraction from whatever i'm experiencing. but i'm frustrated when i'm on the receiving end. i'm made to give. i don't wanna feel guilty and indebted to anybody. i know what you want from me but i just can't give it to you when i can't be wholehearted. i know i do seem like i'm okay with, but the very next moment i realize i can't i can't i can't and i slightly regret that i fell into my own temptation. it's not your fault. it's mine entirely. i'm trying my very best not to let anyone in; i swear not trying to be mysterious- but i have many secrets i have to keep deep inside me. it's already so hard to struggle with them alone- and if you keep creeping in, i'm afraid the truth would be exposed. if i'm exposed, i don't know what dire consequences i might have to face. i know it's frustrating, why i can't i just be honest with you?don't i trust you? that's because i really, really cannot share what i have been trying to bury all these time. if it helps, letting the cat out of the bag might possibly question my morals, my dignity, my character, me, myself as a person. whatever pride and reputation i have and own might as well be snatched away from my grasp and dissolve like bubbles. i would be lost again, asking myself, who am i? it's not even, who can i be, what will i become- it's, who the fuck am i? the person i know will never do all this. but i did. my conscious is not clear and that's what been keeping me back all this time. i don't want to hurt you, like i did to those i love, or loved. it's not fair to you. i don't expect you to understand, but i hope this reason is enough for you. don't be troubled because of me. go forth and find another. i'm not worth your time, your energy, your feelings or you.  
i had a dream.
i dreamt i was visiting an Army house opening event.

i met a few girls,
two of which were from KC.

it was crowded,
but i was excited;

girls that go in a flock tend to look prettier.
we were the top of the crop.

i spotted some familiar army guys.
funny, one of whom was yun loong.

then a performance was staged,
a fake emergency terrorist attack.

a few of us audience who got 'swung' at with a knife needed to lay down and pretend to be dead.

i was one of them.

i woke up in your arms.
you were wearing your army uniform that i loved so much.

you said when the performance was over, i was the only one who is still lying on the ground.
i must have fainted.

i knew you were in the parade.
but what are the chances of you picking me up?

it so happened you were the one to do so.
it so happened that i felt, you'll still always be there for me.

it so happened, that whenever i needed help,
your face is still the first i think of.

why.
we already said goodbye.

why,
do i still cling to you so dearly?

tell me;
why?
you're screwed when you want something so badly,
but you know you're not supposed to.

i wanna feel like i'm protected and safe in your someone's arms again.

i know it just can't be anyone.
so i shall be here..

waiting.
whoa whoa whoa buddy.

you're too close.
too close for my comfort.

silence doesn't mean consent.
if you're too far, too quick,

i'll slam the door in your face.

so please,
not just yet.