i haven't felt it for a long time.
i was actually jealous -
that you talked to another girl.

what's fucking wrong with me.
is it cause i'm going back again?

i've been watching too much reality tv shows.
believing for so long;

wishing, yearning.
nope, it doesn't work that way in life.

i hope there will be a time where i shine again.
& my heart cries every night;
wondering if i did right.
i miss watching movies and shows online, sitting close with a blanket keeping us warm while in the cold air-conditioned room.

those were the times- life's simple pleasures.
i haven't been flustered
for the longest time.

don't blame me if i'm a little awkward-
it's been too long.

it feels like i'm betraying him-
but i already did.

maybe cause i owe him too much;
& caused too much grief, anguish and pain.

do i have the right to be happy,
when he's still suffering?

do i have the right to move on?
to leave him behind?

can i not care anymore?
if i did, will i truly become the bad guy?

or are you doing it on purpose,
knowing that i'm still lingering around;

you choose to say you're hurt & that you'll give everything up to have me back-
are you telling the truth?

or are you just doing it on purpose,
for revenge,
so that i can never fully move on & lift the weight on my shoulders?

i don't know who to believe anymore;
but moral of the story,

you don't know what you're getting into;
i cant be your sweetest dream,

but also your biggest nightmare.

but thank you, for giving me hope,
a chance for me to be a normal girl again.
it just gets worse everyday.

i want to sleep now..kthxbye
i think my ego is extremely high for an average girl.

oh, & i want to snuggle.


it was nice talking so naturally to you again.

it was nice to rely on somebody who actually knows what on earth i'm doing.
nice to know somebody who knows who i was- the old me.

even i still don't know who i really am now,
i'm glad i'm not totally lost.

cause the past shaped who i am now,
i'll figure out who i am in the future.


i've had enough playing games.
that's why i got swept off my feet the last time.

now i know why.
he was direct & wasn't afraid to show how he felt.

he just went for it.
even though the way he does things is wrong;

but he stayed true to his feelings & didn't hide.
that's why i got pulled towards that direction.

alas, and thankfully, it didn't work out.

i've had enough of playing games.
if you have something to say to me,
say it.

don't wait till tomorrow, next week, next month or end of year.
else it'll be too late.

i don't want to drag this anymore.
i don't want to keep your hopes up.

because all this is slow and torturous.
being torn between two persons
clinging dearly on the past and trying to reach for the future at the same time eats me up.

i need to live in the present.
please.

approach me, tell me directly.
even though you may know the answer;

let me answer.
hear my reasons, release me, let me be.

or are you also afraid to know the harsh truth?
when i change my samsung ace to iphone5,
i think my messages will disappear.

the three messages i've always kept since march 27 2012:

"just go sleep. i never stopped loving you"

"well i will not stop loving you as long as my heart is still beating"

"i promise"

i couldn't bear to.
but i have no choice. it's gonna be gone.

you can break the assurance you gave to me.
you have my permission.

at the very least; i'm not so scared of death anymore.
cause at one point of time, someone'll remember me if i did.

that's more than enough.
i'm braver than before;

i'll live courageously.
letting you get closer doesn't mean i have any feelings.

funny how i believe others more than i believe myself.
when i told you i wasn't doing well & flunking;
& that it's due to me being fickle & distracted,
you told me that if i put my mind to it;
i'm the most focused person you ever knew.

i don't know if you're lying to help me,
but it gave me hope;
and i believed you.

whenever i drift off,
i remind myself of what you've said,
i can be focused; if i put my mind into it.

after the three quizzes i've failed;
i'd normally be demoralized & on the edge of frustration.
i know i'll still try, but i won't expect anymore than a mere pass.

but i told myself to concentrate.
you can do this grace, just focus. 
the next thing i knew, i had 15/20 instead of 7/20.

so thank you.
thank you for believing in me.

funny.
all this time, i think i'm still relying on you.



is it weird to want to hold your hand so badly?
big, warm hands.
they remind me of so many things.

these hands he made,
for love, not hate.

these hands he made,
to act not wait;

these hands could save us from a cruel fate.

these hands he made,
can dry your tears;

these hands he made,
can calm your fears

these hands could reach across two thousand years.

hands, reaching out to me;
hands, reaching to be free.

hands, shouldn't be alone;
hands together, love is sown.

these hands he made,
to join in prayer;

theses hands he made,
to show he care;

these hands can build our dreams if we dare.

.
.
.

IJ song. once an IJ, always an IJ girl.
i think i know.

it only took that little for my heart to crumble.
that made me spiteful towards the rest.

i want to cry.
i deserved so much better than this.

i think i've done enough.
i don't wanna care anymore.

but why must you affect me so.

.
.
.

i'm fierce. so what?
just because i'm always so nice & do things for you, doesn't mean you can take advantage of me. if you want something from me, get off your ass & ask for it yourself. right now, i have no mood to smile & be that girl who voluntarily & go an extra mile to deliver things to you.
i have enough on my sleeve. you think i may be exaggerating- but NO. it's only been half a year, i still can't let go of my memories with him; i'm still struggling to forgive myself, i'm trying not to hate myself for being so stupid to actually give myself away; i'm trying to pretend not to care when i see that bastard's face everyday. i have to struggle through my academics-worry what i can actually go after i graduate. i'm actually trying to be myself- yes, struggle to just BE myself with my friends. i mean- who would like to see an unhappy girl who does'nt smile?i'm also starting to miss being in love so much; to rely on somebody i'd trust totally & know that i'm not making use of him.
where's the restart button when i needed one? i finally understand what it means to regret. please. if you know you're gonna do something you'll regret- please please please please..don't do it.
it's gonna take so damn long for you to recover and truly said that you're fine.
my thoughts are so fucking incoherent right now. can somebody just- give me a bear hug and say 'thank you? for all the things you did. you tried your best-nobody saw it, but i know how much you struggled. don't worry, i'll be with you, everything will come true, everything will be fine eventually.'
fuck this. i'm just using my bad mood as an excuse to take it on others.
displacement.

just a little more..i'll start crying again. please. don't be an ungrateful bastard & mean it when you say thank you. i've had enough of people who doesn't appreciate what i do for them. i tried too much & too hard. my burn-outs involve buckets of tears, emptiness & numbness. please. i know love is never ending, forever plentiful- but am i greedy & calculative for wanting some back?


i miss being protected,
i miss being seen as a girl,
i miss kissing someone i love,
i miss being told i'm beautiful,
i miss being special to someone,
i miss being hugged from behind,
i miss snuggling in someone's arms,
i miss someone wiping my tears away,
i miss looking forward doing things together;
i miss being ordered around for being childish,
i miss being happy whenever i see the face i love,

i miss being in love.
there's no one else but myself to blame.

i'm not desperate.
but i'm driving myself mad.
lying in bed crying under the covers.
i feel so pathetic.

i'm supposed to be doing work.
not thinking about you thinking of me.



yes, you know what?
i still think about you everyday.

you know what?
i'm also warned not message you anymore.

not until you're free from me.

you know what?
it's like breaking off a habit that stayed with you for so damn long.

if i do message,
people say that you may assume that you still have a chance.

do you know?
why does it take so long for me to move on?

i thought i did.
but i guess i haven't.

staying here heals.
but what if i go back?

everything will come rushing back.
all the pain.

maybe that's why i don't want to return.
let me stay here a little longer.

maybe i'll be brave at the end of the year.