i don't know what i'm doing.
am i taking the right course?

looking around,
i'm not particularly smart or passionate in studying.
i do try hard-
but i don't reap what i sow.

no matter how much i get back on my feet;
that distinction is far, far away.

i'm not a scholar- my fees are fully paid by my parents.
it feels like they're buying the education for me so that i can have better opportunities.
but i can't seem to do well.

i know i want to help people.
but am i passionate enough to do so?

is there another way i can help without studying this?

i can't use art as my backup plan.
i forgo that dream years ago.

what can i do with art?
i'm long behind anyone.

but i'm not interested in politics, mathematics, literature, medicine, agriculture and all that.
i only know i want to help people.
i want to understand them- not do research.

i like art.
i like stories.
i like baking.

what can i do to make a decent living?


try harder guys.
i'm barely moved.
do you think its possible for one to get addicted to crying? cause i find it painfully beautiful. to see the raw emotions, the true self. to see how one struggles to cope with life. how the tears gloss the eyes and run down the cheeks, and finally fall, drop by drop- ever so silently. like the rosy cheeks, the nose turns pink. and whenever you try to stop crying, you bite your lip. it's almost sensual. and holistically, its a pretty picture.
nonononono no.
don't.

don't forgive me.
i don't deserve it.

maybe.
just maybe.

i didn't want you to know cause
i fear that you'll hate me forever.

i just can't bear it.
i'm still a coward.

i'd rather run away than face you.
i'm sorry

i'll hate to see you cry.
because it'll break my heart even more times than ever.

please.
i'm tainted.

let me go.
thank you so much for loving me.

even though it's too late.
why didn't you show me all this earlier?

i wouldn't have done what i did.
but it's too late.

i regretted what i have done;
& you deserved so much better.

so much more than the harsh truth.
at least, let me do that much;
let me protect you from the truth; that i'll keep & die with.

i want to leave you with the good memories;
that the girl you've been with is pure, truthful, selfless, magnificent, beautiful.

unlike now.
she's no more.
truly, curiosity killed the cat.

once it's done, you can never turn back.
now i know what it means.

something you have to live & carry with for the rest of your life.
& until she's accepted that she died & be who she is now,
she'll never find another.

at least, she can promise you that.
she will not love another until she learns to love herself.

would you hate me if i say that i might potentially be using you?
fuck, look what you did to me.

now i can't help by check my phone every half an hour,
waiting to see if you'll text.

i know you're online;
i swear you're not texting me on purpose.

yes, i'm still human.
reverse psychology works on me.

fuck.

that's why i refuse to give a chance.
cause love took me hostage-

it's eating me & leaving me crying in the darkness;
waiting for something that'll never happen.

please let this be a passing phase;
i pray that i'm just over-thinking this.


& obviously, he ran.
the truth may be too hard for you to handle,
oh, innocent & inexperienced one.

to think that a chance is given to you.
you wasted it.

to think i was willing to bare my heart,
& at least, share my burden.

but you didn't take it.

no more.
not till much, much longer.



funny, i just watched a marriage video & i can't wait to be married to someone i love too.

can't wait to have kids of my our own,
raise and treat them like precious jewels.

but reality is not that easy you know.

you need to fall in love.

you'll be vulnerable when you give him a piece of you.
everything seems to be in his mercy,
& your life isn't yours anymore.

time will only tell if he's meant for you.
you'll have to see if he notices everything you do is for his sake.

does he even know that you broke so many rules to make him happy.
you gave him your everything cause you loved him.

you do things you didn't want to do to please him.
you stay by his side through thick & thin when he's turned away.

& you wait for him to figure out that life has so many opportunities.
you remind him never to give up, always to stay happy.
you tell him that when there's a will, there's always a way.

but you cry cause he doesn't understand that life is worth living.
why does he not have an ambition?
why is he wasting his life away?

don't live for me. live for yourself.

does he even see that you're in pain to see him down in the dumps for so long?
does he even see that you can't bear to see the negativity?
she's always there. always.

but you can't seem to see her taking your sufferings with you.
& she's already at her limit.

i want to spend my life with someone who loves me unconditionally,
someone who sees the beauty in life,
embrace troubled times,
press on & never give up.

someone who'll treat me like a jewel too,
& appreciates the things i do for them- before it's too late.

so snap out of your shit hole & stop giving excuses.
man up & stop moping; wondering what went wrong.

before you even try to change the world, try changing yourself.

.
.
.

this post turned out differently from what i've expected..
insides are screaming

life isn't fair.
i'm sorry i have to complain.

i know i'm lucky.
i have a wonderful family,
my father is righteous & loves my mother.
my mother loves her children & takes care of them.
i love my siblings & i protect them.
my siblings are my bundle of joy & support.

my relatives are tight & we live harmoniously.
i'm given a good education & raised in a good community.
i'm not poor, i'll always have food on my plate & i have good friends.

i'm not pretty, but i think i look okay.
i don't have a hot body but i'm healthy.
i can get whatever materialistic things i ask for.

compared to thousands or even millions of others;
i can say i have everything i always wanted.
i should be thankful for what i have.

but why oh why,
am i always searching for more?

why am i the jealous one?
why do i ask myself why?

why does everyone like her more than me?
why is she always in the center of attention?
why does she always get her way in everything?

am i not attractive enough?
am i not smart enough?
am i not kind/helpful/giving enough?

is something wrong with me?
am i not good enough?

i've tried so hard.
i tried playing sports, i tried showing off, drawing, singing, baking, cooking, listening, smiling, remembering, helping, knowing, contributing, joining in and most of all, always being here.

but do i catch any of your attention?
fuck, stop looking at all the pretty ones.
can i ever be in the center of attention?

does anyone see me struggling?
& i ask the questions again:

will anyone notice if i stopped trying?
do anyone care if i disappear?

what should one girl do to get some love & attention?
& especially doing so without being drunk?

.
.
.

maybe i'm just the rotten, jealous, selfish, greedy & calculative friend.
& i feel like i deserve the best of everything.

no,i have to be humble.
i don't need anything, since i have everything that most people don't.

when will i ever learn?
all the 'gold' is probably right in front of me-
but i'm just blind to the fact that people do remember & care.

but i refuse to believe it's true.
well, probably cause nobody told me.

i'm complaining.
is it too much to ask for some appreciation?

all i ask for is mysterious chocolate, flowers, cards, ANYTHING appearing at my door,
specially bought, or hand-made- given without asking anything for return.

is it too much to ask for?
i need nothing but i want still want something.

i'm finally not contradicting myself.
do i even make sense?

stop it grace.
admit it.
stop it with all the rubbish.
stop giving excuses.

you're just jealous.
you miss being in love.
you miss being the 'number 1' in somebody's life.

fuck.
what can i do about this?
is everything my fault?
i can't help blaming myself.

can i love again?
i'm afraid to.

do i deserve to be loved?
i don't know.

will you accept my past?
i'm scared to tell anyone.

will you judge me?
i'm afraid you will.

are you strong enough to help me find my way?
you haven't seen the world.

will you always be by my side?
i'm frightened you'll go.

will i ever be special to you?
always a wallflower.
it's my ah ma's 84th birthday today(:
happy birthday granny, i love you.

thank you for taking care of me when i was a baby,
i always smile when i look at pictures of you bathing me when i was an infant.

thank you for cooking specially for me when i'm back from Australia-
pig belly soup, sweet & sour pork, ba zhang(rice dumplings) & otah.

thank you for caring about me & my family,
when you joke about guys chasing after me & that i'm too young to have a boyfriend;
when you nag about anything & everything,
on how i should just be friends & look at my options;
when you come every weekend to play mahjong-
& invited me to play with you even though my parents wont allow it;
& occasionally hand me money secretly 'for my studies'.

i wish i could be there at Bishan to celebrate with you.
i know time is short & your time left to spend with us is precious.
regardless of watching 爱 on TV or just sitting beside you,
or rubbing your coarse wrinkly old skin, i enjoy immensely (:

i just want to wish you good health, long life & eternal happiness.
your grandchildren love you very much & i'm missing you all the way from Australia!
THANK YOU for being a part of my life ah ma.

love,lingling.
i saw your posts.

& then i became overwhelmed again.
it just cannot be a coincidence.

just when i was returning-
in the long drive back;

i felt a wash of desperation, pain & heartache.
my tears started falling;
i felt so alone & unwanted.

i missed being loved for who i am,
i missed being hugged & cared for.

flashbacks of me lying on top of your chest kept appearing in my mind.
me snuggling beside you, feeling safe & secure.

my tears kept falling.
it's impossible.
are your feelings so strong that it reached me 3880 miles away?
something nagging me tells me it is.

i'm not lying or exaggerating. kylie can vouch for me.
funny i actually texted her about everything on the way home;
& the day before too.

& when i'm eventually back home,
i saw, i was thrown aback, & i cried.

i cannot throw everything i had done away & come running back to you.
it's not fair & it isn't right.
i haven't got the chance to let you or myself move on completely;
& find out what we really, truly want yet.

but why oh why, do i just want to wrap my arms around you,
comfort you, & say that everything is alright?



ok, serious stuff.

oh, you know this girl used to like me-
but she's so UGLY and FAT. so CHUI.
like, OMG, that guy is so FAIL.
HE CANNOT MAKE IT lah.
that person handsome/ pretty BUT he/she is a BASTARD/SLUT. 

i went to Sydney for 3 days, 3 nights.
stayed over at my friend's friend's place-

truthfully, it wasn't 100% fantastic-
but neither can i say it was bad.

it was a lovely change of environment.
i loved the old buildings and beach-side scenery.

i loved the corner shop houses & cafes.
& i actually grew fond of the sea gulls.

the only downside was, of course,
staying in an apartment with one toilet (sharing with 5 others)
& that i have to be eternally grateful for the host for housing us.

yes, i do thank them for being good hosts.
but really babe..must we really buy so many thank you gifts for them?
lunch/dinner treats, macaroons, booze, ice-cream & more food..

yes, if i were the one hosting,
i would of course, want to guests to be thankful & can return a thank you gift.
but i wouldn't expect anything else, since i enjoyed the company & suggested people to crash.
& all i expect is to keep the place clean, reduce noise & respect the place.

but..*cough*. it was dirty/messy to begin with.
& our hosts are late sleepers.
maybe it's only me- i can't get a good night's sleep..staying up drinking/playing DOTA/degrading others on facebook..isn't my thing; even though it may just be a joke.

but let's get back to that another time, shall we?
anyways,

stepping on that dirty rug in the toilet..
seeing the messy kitchen bar & unwashed stoves,
the un-vacuumed floor (which apparently has been vomited and drinks split on),
&; thoughts of roaches crawling in the crook & cracks of the place & balcony..

i always have the great urge to grab that mop/Mr Muscle/plug in that vacuum & turn the whole place sparkling clean.

but i'm a guest. not a maid.

i can't complain- i mean, it's free, right?
i'm sorry for being an ungrateful, anal clean freak.

i'm sorry, but the clubbing experience wasn't great also.
& i had to pay $18 for it.
& so is the hot pot. $18/pax..from ~15people?!
that's really too much.

good lord.

next time,
i'll pay extra for a hotel-
so that i don't 'owe' anyone for hosting

& next time,
let's plan this properly.

i'm not being ungrateful- really.
& i'm definitely not complaining.
i really, really, enjoyed my time there.

but..do you know..i'm only disappointed cause i didn't even get to go to Sydney's most famous opera house?