i wonder why can't everyone be a little more honest about their feelings.
if only you were more truthful about how you feel.

i wouldn't keep wondering.
were you doing all these because you were kind?

you don't want me to cry.
you want me to let go slowly, at my own pace.
you let me because you felt guilty?

or were you plain selfish?
that 'i'll only let go when she let go first'.
that since she's making all the moves,
i can just sit back and enjoy while it lasts?

either way,
this is worse then a clean heartbreak.

do you want me or not?
i'd rather outright be slapped across the cheek and know how your really feel.
if you find it uncomfortable and disgusting, just push me away.

don't pity me. i don't need it.
plus, you don't owe me anything.

just be a bastard and push me away.
that's what real nice guys do.

being truthful about their feelings.
being honest about what they think.

and doing the right things even though it hurts like a bitch.

because one thing i've learnt from guys is that,
if i can't rely on them, i can only rely on myself to do what is right.

because

this kiss is something i can't resist
your lips are undeniable
this kiss is something i can't risk
your heart is unreliable
something so sentimental
you make so detrimental
and i wish it didn't feel like this
cause i don't wanna miss this kiss
i don't wanna miss this kiss

i'll be honest then.
it sucks when it's only been one-sided.

plus, a girl making all the moves.
what has the world gotten into?

i make me sick.
i will undoubtedly miss you.

but tomorrow will be the last.
i promise.
Here i am waiting
I'll have to leave soon
Why am i holding on?
We knew this day would come
We knew it all along
How did it come so fast?

Here i am waiting
You have to leave soon
I am holding on
I knew the day would come
I knew it all along
I hope it doesn't come so fast

This is our last night but it's late
And i'm trying not to sleep
Cause i know, when i wake, i will have to slip away

I pray it's not the last night
I can't sleep, i'm trying not to sleep
Cause i know, when i wake, you will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes i'll have to go
But tonight i'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight i need to hold you so close

And when the daylight comes, you'll have to go
But tonight i wanna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight please hold me close

Here i am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down

daylight please don't come

This is way too hard, cause i know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

This is way too hard, cause i know
When the sun comes up, i will have to let you go
I pray this is not my last glance that will soon be memory

I never want it to stop
Because i don't wanna start all over
Start all over
I was afraid of the dark
But now it's all that i want
All that i want, all that i want

I never want it to stop
Because i don't wanna start over
Start all over
I was afraid of the dark
But now i'm not cause you were here
You're all that i want, all that i want

i just found the perfect song.
so i just copied and pasted what Ella Ceron wrote about wanting an honest love:


I never needed you to be strong
so i was watching a video about 'Coming out from your closet : Ash Becjkan at TEDxBoulder'.
what i took away from this was:

when coming out from the closet;
actually, in any situation where i ever were to have a serious 'talk' with anyone, i will:

#1: Be Authentic
be myself. it's not a battle. i bleed too.

#2: Be direct.
just fucking say it. don't give them false hope. don't drag it.

3#: Be Unapologetic
i'm speaking my truth. why should i be 'sorry' when i'm being honest?
i will not apologize for who i am. if ever, i will only apologize for what i have had done.
thank god.
the overwhelming feelings are dampening down like the rain falling in Canberra right now.

rain.
it soothes my soul.

nothing much is happening right now.
but i figured out the difference between loving him, and being in love with him.

like how the rain doesn't care how it falls,
it doesn't matter where it lands in the end.

like how the rain flows and washes away,
it cleans whatever hurt, pride, misery, distrust or hatred.

all that's left is the smell of the earth,
and somewhere deep inside is a new seedling waiting to sprout again.

the rain will feed my soul.
i will grow again- pushing past all that dirt and soil.

i will thrive. i will flourish. i will bloom;
i will stand up tall and face towards the sun;

i will live, and i will not stop for anyone.
dying for someone to bring me out for a date right now..
i miss the sun shine and carefree feeling of going out.

i want to wear a pretty dress for someone i like,
and everybody will be in all smiles.

& i'm here stuck studying @_@
just a little more!

i need a break.
someone....ask me out?

please?(:
i want to not care anymore.
but i can't.

i'm sorry, but i know at least this much to know that you're not interested.
actions speak louder than words.

i'm not blind, deaf or mute for goodness sake.
i'm sick at my own grotesque behavior.

i don't want to spend all my life waiting for you;
now i don't want you back for the weekend,
not back for a day.

no, no, no.
baby i just want you back and i want you to stay.
so i just read a meaningful article about the difference between dating a girl & a woman.

well the present me felt that i'm a woman. but there's still many things i need to improve on. forgive me rambling about myself :D

1. A girl throws tantrums VS A woman still feels the emotions of being upset but cultivated the skill of responding versus reacting. She comes to the table as an adult, and communicate clearly what is bothering her.

i guess i'm halfway in between. i don't scream or pout..but i give silent treatment because that's i how i cope in the aftermath of an event. then once i get a clear head, i do communicate what is bothering me. i still find it hard to put my words and explanations across; but i do make the effort to be direct and honest with my feelings as much as i can(:

2. A girl perceives herself as a princess and believes people should treat her so VS a woman has her standards (what she holds herself to) not expectations (what she projects on to others).

i definitely don't see myself as a princess with all that pink dresses and beautiful crown; and wanting people to bow down and kiss my feet just because i deserved it. rather than a princess..i think i'd rather be Mulan :D she still is a Disney princess after all- risking her life to be a man to protect what she love, believing in who she is & doesn't give up when nobody trusts or believes her. well back to what i'm trying to say, i do have some expectations (don't everybody?) of the people i date (like hygiene, respect and manners-but these don't really count right?). but i don't force guys to do things for me if they don't want to. they're not obliged. but it would be nice to!

3. A girl uses her physical beauty as her currency and basis of value VS a woman knows her worth is beyond her physicality.

nuff' said. if only i could have physical beauty to charm people. NO. too bad i only have an average acne face...but i'm proud to say i have been loved not for my looks but my character and personality(:

4. A girl banks on a man to be her financial strategy VS a woman plans to be financially independent.

been there, done that. i don't pin much hopes on getting 'allowances' from my partner. i mean, what are the chances of me marrying a rich man when every girl out there wants to too? (it'll of course be a bonus if i can) HAHA. don't worry men. i've got my own money.

5. A girl sees the world from a place of lack and scarcity, she competes and tear down another in order to secure resources or a mate VS a woman helps other woman, she knows there's plenty enough to go around and takes the high road of integrity to get what she wants.

if i'm not interpreting this wrongly, it means that a woman doesn't get jealous and be a bitch and try to jeopardize other female's chance of being together with a male. well, of course i'd admit i'll be jealous, but i wouldn't drag others down with me. everybody have the rights to be happy. i'd probably be a little jealous initially, but i'll accept it and move on to find my own happiness :D

6. A girl cannot be bothered with anything domestic and is proud of the fact that she cannot cook or clean VS a woman understands that being domestic is not a duty but is a way of taking care of herself and others- and that in creating a family, having a person in the household who can contribute domestically is important.

this is like number 2. i'm more proud to say i can cook and clean :D if not cook..then, bake at least. and in fact, i can't stand uncleanliness. HAHAHAH.

7. A girl wants attention and be adored by many VS a woman wants respect and be adored by one.

RESPECT. well, i do have to argue that females need to attract some sort of attention first to get her presence known. THEN she earns respect from people by being herself and interact maturely. i do admit too, i do want attention but if only i could find that one  person who can give me all the attention and love i need- needless to say, i don't need to be adored by many. i only want you (:

8. A girl does not respect her body. She has yet to understand that her body and heat are sacred and it's important to be mindful of how she treats it and who she shares it with. Additionally, a girl cherishes materialistic possessions while a woman cherishes her health, her sense of self and her talents as her greatest assets.

i think have a lot to say for this one. well, those who know me, i do respect my body. i gave it away because at that period of times, i loved the guy and i believed i made the right decision that he'll treat my body and heart with respect. i trusted them and i gave them all i have because i loved them. i'm sorry to say i'm not pure or am i a saint any longer. but i believe i still am- because i gave my all. i don't know if they loved me the way i do; but i can firmly say i only give my heart, body, soul and mind to the people i love and trust. even if it doesn't work out in the end, i know that i loved them with all my heart once and i gave all that i had and i tried.

of course, i do own some materialistic things. i enjoy buying (second-hand) clothes and be given materialistic things (: BUT i buy them because they make me feel good about myself and not because i want to show them off. plus, i don't care for brands such as Gucci, Prada....and...what are the other brands again? :X erm well, it may be a want, but i don't need them.

9. A girl has not established her moral compass or values and is often inconsistent VS a woman takes the time to reflect on the type of human she wants to be and put them into her values and what she stands for. You'll feel exhausted spending time with a girl but empowered when you spend time with a woman.

i have to argue with this too, cause a girl has to make mistakes and only from them can she take time to reflect what she has done wrong and learn from it. only then can she truly be a woman of substance. that's what i think. and my thoughts and views are still inconsistent because i spend time thinking and reflecting what is right and wrong- and at the end of the day, there is no black and white but also shades of grey in between; and everything depends. There is no perfect  right or wrong answer in this world, there are only theories...with a few exceptional laws of course(: 

i'm not sure if spending time with me is exhausting, but nobody complained yet so i assume i'm empoweringggggg :D muahahaha.

10. A girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities above anything else (such as hot, popular, tall, rich etc.) VS a woman's checklist (integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available etc.)

You want my checklist? i'm sure i've posted about it ages ago. but let's go for it again shall we?
Integrity, non-judgmental (open to ideas), forgiving, patient, capable, intelligent (not in terms of IQ, but also EQ and SQ), kind, respectful (to my family, friends, me, elderly, animals), fair (equal rights to sex, gende, race and religion), generous and determined (have a goal in life). of course, it'll be a bonus if he's rich, good looking (not a priority), lean (i don't mind big/fat but not skinn(ier) than me) and tall (preferably >1.75m). i'm not asking for too much right? hahaha.

11. A girl plays games VS a woman doesn't.

they really saved the best for last xD i'm sorry, i'm still working on this. i'm studying psychology and i can't help it if i'm better at reading your behavior, reading your mind and predicting your moves. I will act accordingly, but this doesn't count as playing games right? right? right? And somebody needs to define and explain how 'playing games' work. perhaps i don't even play games. like i said, i act respond accordingly. those who play games...a heed of advice, it get's tiring after a while. if you like the guy, just go for it, get your heart broken and move on. playing games just drag things and you'll feel frustrated and annoyed if you get trapped in your own game; and when he is better at playing games than you.

the article also added that:

A girl jumps from one social circle to another, making fast friends that don't last VS a woman values her deep friendships and nurtures that bond with time, gratitude, energy and thoughtfulness.

i'm just going to be cocky and say yes, i only have a few friends, but they're people i can trust with my life. quality over quantity yea?(:

finally! congrats if you made it to the last paragraph. tomorrow, or when i feel like it, i'll share my views on the differences between dating a boy and a man(: look forward to it! i shall study now~ 
well, thanks for letting my say my piece.
thanks for being tolerant.

i told you all that because i trust you.
if anyone else knew; at least i'll know i loved the wrong guy.

it'll shatter my heart but at least i know.

you let me do all that even though you know it'll lead me on.
and i hope with all my might that that's because somewhere in your heart you want us to happen too.

but because your reason was similar to mine;
i'd rather give it all that just half.

i know now. how i felt like in the past,
i very much want to say yes but i just can't.

and this time you can't.
so i'll respect that.

i can't believe i'll say this but this time,
i'll wait. since you did too.

and i'll wait till i cannot wait any longer.
and at least i can say this to myself;

i tried.
babe, don't you feel fed up with how he treats you?

you deserve so much than this. not a guy who treats you like dirt, who only comes to you when he has needs. not a guy who tell lies and exaggerate about what's going on to make him look like the good and nice guy. not a guy who make excuses and give lousy reasons to why he's acting in such a way.

if it's about pride, let it go. be the better one and leave him be. take the initiative to end this foolishness. you jolly well know it's never going to work. but your pride says i can. i will make things work. i am not a quitter, i will not give up. i have to prove to myself (and others) that i can solve this mess. no. sometimes, you have to learn how to quit, how to give up let go.

no matter how much you want him. how much you want to hug him, kiss him, make him yours; hold his hand and stand by his side. support him and care for him. spend lazy days together enjoying the silence, cuddling and hugging, feeling safe and protected, feeling secure. if his heart, mind and soul disagrees. it just doesn't work. you can't have him. no matter how much you beg and please. he won't.

why put yourself in such a pitiful state? you are willing to do all for him. but he doesn't give you the chance, doesn't see it, doesn't care. why go so low? you are willing to bare your heart and soul but he doesn't appreciate you. he doesn't call, he doesn't text, he disappears. then he comes up to you suddenly smiling and pretend nothing happens when you're in turmoil the whole fucking time.

we women have to be strong. fuck you guys for making us vulnerable. fuck you for making us look like fools. fuck you for not being honest or trust-worthy. fuck you for lying and playing with our feelings. fuck you for not being to appreciate when we give, and give, and give. fuck you for not caring. fuck you for not even trying.

so please. give him up.
there will be a better man who'll respect us and treat us well.
if only our feelings are mutual.
i want to hug you to sleep again.

i want to feel safe in your arms.
and forget the harsh reality of this world.
i didn't get tagged. but i just felt like doing this.
here's 20 things about me updated (:

1. if you don't know already, i have 3 younger sisters & 1 younger brother. i'm the boss in the household when my parents are away ;-D

2. if i could, i would wear live in hoodies & shorts everyday. onesies included(:

3. i hate gassy drinks. coke, sprite, 7up..you name it... but i have a new obsession with Chai Latte.

4. i swear i watched 95% of all Ghibli and Disney movies...& i will work on my Pokemon ones...& i don't watch horror/gory movies.

5. i'm actually not good at drawing. (really!) i'm just good at copying people's art.

6. i hate electronics, & electronics hate me. so far, i hanged my ex's laptop when it's brand new, killed my sister's ipod & cracked my iphone screen when it's only 2weeks old...& my 3 y/o Acer laptop is barely surviving...

7. i stock up plasters. especially those with designs..& when i have a minor paper cut...PLASTER.

8. i'm extremely sensitive. my face heats up when i'm emotional- be it angry, sad or embarrassed.

9. green tea ice-cream...strawberry short cake :D mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

10. i bake. brownies, cookies, souffle, creme brulee, japanese cheesecake, molten lava cake...you name it. i don't do macaroons though (i think it's too sweet if you don't do it well).

11.  i over-think, over-assume, overreact & PANIC. that's when i shut down completely.

12. i'm rough for a girl. i really hate losing to guys.

13. if i have a super power, i want to talk to animals.

14. i am intimidated by hot & intelligent people.

15. i want to learn pole-dancing. AND burlesque. DO NOT label them as sluts. it's hard work!

16. i love discounts. flea markets. second-hand goods...i bought a blue dress from Korea for AUS $2.

17. i put avacado in my milk and cereal. it's my everyday breakfast in Canberra. i've never skipped breakfast in my life.

18. i have a bad habit of sniffing. i like to smell people. if you're my boyfriend, i would stick my nose behind your ear, your nose and collarbone whenever i can.

19. i'm scared of being tickled. but i love hugs and cuddles. that's when i can smell you best :D

20. you can't see my eyes when i smile/grin broadly.