Title: you are the way;the truth & the light.

MAY 31st 2008.

Tj's father is to be cremated.
he died of a cancer on may 30th,2008.
early in the morning;friday.
you have my condolenses.

at first i thought to myself:
he deserved it.
he betrayed his wife.
let down his children.

but then again,
its not his fault.
mankind fall to temptation;
so do i.
may he go in peace.

sure,sure;
as an outsider,i do not have the right to comment on their family issues.
but..if i dont speak it out loud,
this feelings would have been inside me;
eating up my soul.

ive got so many things so say;
i couldnt remember what is my purpose is typing this.
all i know is that;
on your deathbed,
you dont..seem peaceful to me.

sure.i lied to Tj.
i said you were in jesus' arms.
in his wings.in paradise.
but there's this thing that haunts me.
ive got this feeling:
you still havent obtained my aunt's forgiveness.
you aint ready to go.
but you have to choice.you have to go;
leaving everything behind.

is that why you clinched all the way to the end?
maybe u were thinking..
my sons are well under her care.
i dont have to worry anymore.
i can go to sleep for eternity.

but this thing keeps bugging me.
although you have put on make-up to cover your flaws,
your insides are not covered.

fine.maybe im overly..sensitive or whatever.
it's the first time i saw a corpse this close.
just..50cm close to my face.
i was horrified.no..
i was..in pain.

its like a stab.
'so..this is how a dead person look like?'
'with overly-put make-up and fancy clothes?'
'why do we have to put up a 'mask' even when we're dead?'
cant you show your inner-self?
your pure,bare face and plain clothes?

i seriously dont know where this topic is leading to.
but all i know is;
when i die,
i'll let my hair fall on my shoulders.
i would wants to wear a plain,white dress.
flowers are not needed.
jus put my stuffed-rabbit on my chest and im ready to go.

he looked kind of sad when he's in the coffin.
he looked so..thin.so fragile.
ive got this urge to lean over you;
and tell you to wake up.
'your kids need you.'
'your 2nd wife needs you.'
'your daughter needs you.she's only two years old.'
'how could you let them suffer?'
'Wake UP!'

the day you were going to be cremated,
everybody cried.
except for me.
sure,i feel sad.pity.
but i know you're going home.upstairs.
i need not worry.
you are already at peace.
i actually felt happy that you reached there first.
i know someday,we'll meet again.
i was in a calm state.
nobody noticed.
i think im weird.

i look into Tj's eyes and wanted to wipe his tears away.
i wanted to hold him.
i can tell he's strong.but tender.
but i couldnt say anything to comfort.

he knows his father more than me.
they have a bond btw them.
they have lived together for years.
and i dont.
so i could not say anything.

if i put myself in Tj's shoes,
i would have cried my eyes out.
because dad wont be in the mist of my life anymore.
not pysically.but only spiritually.
im afraid that i would forget his presense when he's gone.

maybe because i was more angry than sad.
to see your son in this state pierces me.
i worry for him.
im not his girlfriend or anyone precious.
i only this 'baby' cousin.
what can i do but to hug and give moral support?
but i have no say in anything.

but..
let begones be gone.
i didnt sleep well last night.
all i could do is to pray for everone else who is living.
bacause..that's more important right?
time waits for no one.
all i could do is to hold what's precious to me.
life is ever so fragile.
it's my third time i attended a funeral.
one worst than another.

you never know..
i might die tomorrow.
id better say 'i love you' to gabby first.
HAHAHAHA XD

okkay..
sudden outburst.

i think i read too much books..religious ones.
to think ive never opened a bible.
-sorry- to admit that.
keke.but i still love my father's' no matter what.

and now i reapproach myself;
what does this have to do with the title?

Ace.