i felt like i became 14 again-
im losing my way.

ID- pleasure principle
EGO- reality principle
Superego- Morality.

i used to think that i could control my ID.
but i was wrong.

am i living in self-delusional?
probably.
i couldnt think right anymore.

deliberation.
the nicer you treat me;the worst i might treat you.
im sorry;i cant control my facial expressions anymore.

can you tell a genuine smile from one which is acted out?
scientifically;its easy.
but for me;its not.
but after all that;it comes ever so naturally.
the more i seem okkay;the more painful it seems.

how come everything seems so fake between you and me?
im trying so hard to keep it this way;
why,why,why; do you want me to feel that other way?
cant you see that i dont want to become 14 again?

i dont wanna go through that trauma-
its heart-wretching enough.
its the same feeling again-
the bleeding heart;the torn apart and sinking part.

cant you just leave me alone?
i hate to surpress myself.
i want to make my feelings known;
but i cant.

i cant;i cant;i cant.
i dont want to.

its so easy to fulfill my EGO.
i just need to hold your hand,
rest my forehead on your chest,
and with no words said;
there;love is shared.

no chance;
no way;
i wont say it;no,no.

i refuse;
stubborness.thats me.
SUPEREGO says NO.

i may become over irrationally demanding in striving for perfection.
but i dont know how much i can take it anymore.

but let's just see who can last the longest.
i will not lose to my heart.
mind over body;mind over body.
SUPEREGO,please be strong.

please;somebody rescue me.

the pain wont go away.
what is this feeling again?
i cant recognise it.

its so acute.
its stabbing me.
its wont stop aching no matter how hard i try.
its so heavy;
its weighing me down,
its pounding against my chest.
its wont stop bleeding no matter how hard i cry.

please;
stop looking at me this way.
i cant promise you anything.

please;
stop your voice from pleading.
i cannot give you anything.

i'm a human;sensitive to people's behaviour & expressions.
you may be able to read my mind;
so what?
i may even be good at acting.
you might be able to predict my moves;
but that's cause that's what i want you to predict.

they're probably right.
sharp and small eyes.
youd probably may think twice about trusting me.
im purely a good guy.
but rather an artful one.

i feel so tired keeping up.

xox;♥ace