i just want you back.
you.the old you.
the one who trusted me.
the one who held me tenderly.
the one who'll miss me.
the one who'll say i love you too.
i'm not writing this because i know he'll be here.
i'm writing this because blogger, you're the only one who'll listen & not judge.

it hurts.so bad.
the moment he found out,
everything seems to just collapse

when he said he doesn't trust me anymore,
my heart broke.

i seems like everything will not go back to how it used to be
i feel like a stranger to him

everything i say seems like a lie
whatever feelings i show now feels fake to him

i tried to stay the way i am
but it fees like nobody knows who i am anymore

i don't know who i am anymore.
for sure, i'm no longer innocent.

now i know i can charm.
and he knows that too.

he'll never believe me when i cry again.
he'll probably think it's an act to gain sympathy

he'll never believe me when i say i miss you
he'll probably think i miss something physical

he'll never believe me when i say i'm sorry
he'll probably think i'll cheat again

he'll never believe me when i say i love you
he'll probably think i don't even mean it.

what else can i do now?
someone please help me.

.
.
.

dinner was good
but everything seems tasteless
i find it hard to swallow anything.

xox;♥ace
a year since i've blogged.
& i'm grateful i preserved the blog.
all the memories stored here;
bits and pieces of my lifespan.

3 days till this girl no longer a teenager.
truth is, it's scary.

i've been alive for two decades,
met many people, but haven't been there, haven't done that.

this post is really, just to update myself with my current status, so that probably in a few months (or years) later, i can look back & smile at my silliness/rebelliousness.

and again, 3 more days till i'm 20.
a little less than a week left till the september holidays are over,
hectic ANU university life starts again.
time flies, half a semester is gone & i'll graduate in 1.5 years.

i'm still with my first boyfriend.
he's in the Army, & i'm in Canberra, pursuing psychology still.
i can't say we are "going strong" for 2 years & 9 months++.

i love him. But what can i say?
he's my first & ideally my last.

i'm almost 20.
i realized i haven't done anything, anything i regretted or stupid in my life.
& i'm regretting that now.

i'm tired of being a good girl.
tired of being a role model,
tired of following rules,
tired of being cautious.
tired of being restrained & judged

i want to be reckless.
i want to have sex without love.
i want to have a fling,
i want to dance till the sunrise,
i want to be wild.

yes, i have exactly 1.5years to do that.
behind the backs of people i love & care for.

i'm sick & tired of saying:
"yes, i know what i'm doing"
"yes, i know what is right and wrong"
"yes, i can take care of myself"

ironically, i DO know what is right and wrong, how to take care of myself, & definitely know what i'm doing.
i'm a student.my job is to study.

i'm supposed to attend my lectures/tutorials,
i'm supposed to complete my assignments well & on time,
i'm supposed to eat a proper meals everyday to stay healthy alive,
i'm supposed to do my laundry to avoid piling of dirty stuff & germ-growth,
i'm supposed to restrain from being too chummy with guys- least they get the wrong idea, to not get too drunk, not to dress proactively blah blah blah.

the list goes down forever.
i know this shit.

nobody say do this
nobody say be there
nobody say stop that
nobody say see here!

"oh i just can't wait to be king me!"
funny, i'm really a clean & healthy freak. daily chores don't affect me. i'm lazy but at least i do my work- outstanding award for being the most average student.

i guess i just need some love.
that doesn't mean i'll be cheating on keith.

i wonder how many people out there agrees to that kind of behavior.
i'd probably be labelled a 'slut' once i make the 'mistake'.
oh fuck you. why should you care.
it's a regretful mistake that i won't regret doing.

well, once i figure out how to pick up a guy.
or, have the guts to make a stupid, regretful mistake.

i have no idea what i was thinking then. 13/3


xox;♥ace