insides are screaming

life isn't fair.
i'm sorry i have to complain.

i know i'm lucky.
i have a wonderful family,
my father is righteous & loves my mother.
my mother loves her children & takes care of them.
i love my siblings & i protect them.
my siblings are my bundle of joy & support.

my relatives are tight & we live harmoniously.
i'm given a good education & raised in a good community.
i'm not poor, i'll always have food on my plate & i have good friends.

i'm not pretty, but i think i look okay.
i don't have a hot body but i'm healthy.
i can get whatever materialistic things i ask for.

compared to thousands or even millions of others;
i can say i have everything i always wanted.
i should be thankful for what i have.

but why oh why,
am i always searching for more?

why am i the jealous one?
why do i ask myself why?

why does everyone like her more than me?
why is she always in the center of attention?
why does she always get her way in everything?

am i not attractive enough?
am i not smart enough?
am i not kind/helpful/giving enough?

is something wrong with me?
am i not good enough?

i've tried so hard.
i tried playing sports, i tried showing off, drawing, singing, baking, cooking, listening, smiling, remembering, helping, knowing, contributing, joining in and most of all, always being here.

but do i catch any of your attention?
fuck, stop looking at all the pretty ones.
can i ever be in the center of attention?

does anyone see me struggling?
& i ask the questions again:

will anyone notice if i stopped trying?
do anyone care if i disappear?

what should one girl do to get some love & attention?
& especially doing so without being drunk?

.
.
.

maybe i'm just the rotten, jealous, selfish, greedy & calculative friend.
& i feel like i deserve the best of everything.

no,i have to be humble.
i don't need anything, since i have everything that most people don't.

when will i ever learn?
all the 'gold' is probably right in front of me-
but i'm just blind to the fact that people do remember & care.

but i refuse to believe it's true.
well, probably cause nobody told me.

i'm complaining.
is it too much to ask for some appreciation?

all i ask for is mysterious chocolate, flowers, cards, ANYTHING appearing at my door,
specially bought, or hand-made- given without asking anything for return.

is it too much to ask for?
i need nothing but i want still want something.

i'm finally not contradicting myself.
do i even make sense?

stop it grace.
admit it.
stop it with all the rubbish.
stop giving excuses.

you're just jealous.
you miss being in love.
you miss being the 'number 1' in somebody's life.

fuck.
what can i do about this?