i was jealous yesterday..
wondering, why can't i be more like her or her?

then i realize, i reverted back to who i was when in groups.
quiet, shy, timid, self-conscious.

i see another pattern;
i don't do well in groups.

i can't analyse their behaviors all at one time;
i panic.

wanting to be in the center of all,
but more comfortable being with myself.




i wonder if rough girls are a turn off.
constantly challenging in foosball, pool, ping pong, air hockey.

playing violently, hitting with all my strength, constantly wacking guys for not 'giving chances'.
except, i still lose all the time.

shouldn't guys give girls a chance to win?
be more lenient? be 'gentlemenly'-let her win?

but if she does win, she probably won't be too happy either-
she won not because she has the skill.

it's cause HE let her win on purpose.
if HE doesn't give chances- she probably wouldn't even have the opportunity.

regardless, she wouldn't exactly be happy.
how contradicting.

she should be glad they played evenly with her right?
seeing me like their equal- i should happy instead huh.. ...

ughh. i'm so hard to please.
but hey, at least i'm being myself right?

i'm rough & tough.
but there is a gentle side to me too.

if you look deeper.
once a sore loser, always a sore loser.

refusing to admit defeat because i hate using the reason:
'because i'm just a girl'.

sorry girls; i lost to the boys.

i have no strength, no height, no speed, no accuracy.
what can i do?

what girls do best;
bitch fit.
what if i told you not now?
what if i told you to wait?

i don't know how long it takes.
will you then, be completely sure that you'll take the risk?

i only regretted breaking your heart.
& the thought of me breaking you further kills me.

so, not yet.
the time is not right.

no promises;
i don't want to give you false hopes.

but if i said wait,
will you


i want to pretend nothing happened.
i want to restart everything.

pretend i've never fallen in love,
pretend i've never been loved,

pretend that there's a prince charming somewhere,
pretend i'm still clueless,

pretend that i've never been there, done that.
pretend that i've never had such a past.

so that i can continue hoping, wishing, yearning, waiting & dreaming.

it may be a mistake for me giving that one thing that i only have;
i should've kept it till the very end.

purity, is the only thing i own.
& now i have nothing.
i kinda miss everything.
but i don't think there's ever a 'restart' button.

life doesn't work that way.

at least, it doesn't hurt so much anymore-
just sense of longing & nostalgia.

love you still.
i'm having a crush on typical Caucasians just because i've watched too many dating shows.
how cute are they?! they seem like any normal guys. not sure if they like Asians like me though. can't seem to strike a normal conversation with them though- i'm afraid my English Singlish accent is too much for them. Having to make myself talk slower and repeating my sentences makes me self-conscious. like omg, am i making sense? Do they even understand what i'm talking about?! Am i making a fool of myself?!

scrape that. i'll just stick to being the anti-social Asian girl for now..
PMS can be such a bitch.
& i'm taking it on others again.

you haven't seen the worst.
so run away while you can.

i think you already are.
can my day get any worse?
screen of iphone 5 of barely one month old broke.

double blow.
like jagged lines cutting through my heart,
shattered in a hundred pieces.

unfortunately, you can't just change your heart.
scared for life.