as usual, procrastinating and scrolling down on facebook when i come across this link:
http://jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com/2013/08/15/beautiful-advice-from-a-divorced-man-after-37-years-of-marriage/

i've always been interested in articles like this..what strike me was numbers 5 and 6. i realize i'm always trying to 'help' others. always wanting to help them change for the better when it's not my job. because i love them therefore i'm constantly trying to push them. it's for their own good. i'm doing for them.

don't. i would love it if he changes for me, but it's up to them to find out what's best for them. but you know what? if he doesn't change no matter what i say, it's quite sad. do you even take into account of how i'm trying to help you? constantly worrying about you, how you feel, and even torn when you seem so downcast for so long. i was always there; always. but you it doesn't seem like you appreciated how i'm trying to help or support you. what can i do then?

of course, overtime, i realize that it's not my job to make you happy. but of course, i would definitely and most willingly make you happy. i loved spending time with you doing absolutely nothing. just being with you, in your presence and lying on your shoulder, wishing time would stop. but ultimately, i can't help you find your happiness. you have to find your own way of being happy. you own way of appreciating happiness, your own way of feeling this blissful emotion with me.

things eventually didn't work out, there is so much i should have and shouldn't have done. i should have outwardly said that i hate seeing you down in the dumps for far too long and it's making me distance away from you. i should have slapped you in the face and say that this is stupid. just because your parents favor your brother doesn't mean they don't love you. doesn't mean they won't pay for your education means it's the end for you. doesn't mean local universities doesn't accept you means others won't. doesn't mean you can't pay for it mean you should just give up and fall into your mopey depression state for so long- you can work first and save up. doesn't mean  your father accusing you of taking pocket money at 21 means you can just throw your joint account card at him. that doesn't mean you cannot talk to your mother about it and be courteous about it. i know i have no place in your family to judge or make you do all these things. but no matter how many times i tried giving you suggestions, advice or help, you've never listened. is it so hard to reason nicely with your parents? sure, they may be biased or throw you into the lion's pit when you're a helpless little kid- but i don't see a reason why you can't speak your mind about your own concerns and make an agreement over your education and money. with that short time of three years being with you, i grew fond of your parents. i may not agree with the way they run the household, but i can be damn sure they are not unreasonable people. i loved how your mother treats me like an equal and invited me over during festive seasons and dinner. and even a text saying that she's sad to see me go, and that we should keep in contact. good lord. what's wrong with you? i'm not her son. please. talk to your parents. i'm not your girlfriend anymore. i will not attempt to mend this loose ties. it may not be loose in the first place- you may just be running away from it and learnt this helplessness. snap out of it.

i've said my piece. i might have more. but that is how much i was concerned over you. i didn't leave because you were not a 'officer' or lowly driver. i accepted your insomnia, your many incidents of 'helplessness', your family, your friends, you. i left because i felt i wasn't needed when i was there and so weren't you when i needed you the most. that's why i cheated and regretted. i left because i hoped you'll snap out of it and grow up to face reality. we all are fighting lions. i left because i was guilty and i couldn't forgive myself- knowing me, it went against my morals and dignity. but somehow or another, i still cheated. so i felt you deserved better but so did i. i left because i had to move on with my life first. your family may not mean as much to you, but my family mean the world to me. and i have to graduate and enter the work force fast, to lessen their burden and help my siblings. i left because i don't want to carry an extra baggage. truth hurts, but i can't keep taking your troubles and make them mine- it left me emotionally and psychologically drained. if left because, after much deliberation, sleepless nights and swollen eyes, that separation was the best choice for both of us. let me be the bad guy, so be it, until the very end.

whatever i say now may be meaningless and insignificant to you. but i loved you so very much. again, i'm sorry. i wished i could have done things differently. but it has been more than half a year, i do think about you now and then. i do not cry for you anymore, but i really do wish you all the best and have hope. believe in that faith and that everything would be alright. you changed my life and i hope i have too. we have to go separate ways now, but don't give up on yourself, your family or love.

how did i end up here?
oh well. never mind.

love, grace.