i can see how you're trying. but i'm sorry. i won't and can't go with the flow right now. it's not fair to you when i'm still halfway stuck living in the past. i don't ever want to use you for my selfish needs. you are a nice distraction from whatever i'm experiencing. but i'm frustrated when i'm on the receiving end. i'm made to give. i don't wanna feel guilty and indebted to anybody. i know what you want from me but i just can't give it to you when i can't be wholehearted. i know i do seem like i'm okay with, but the very next moment i realize i can't i can't i can't and i slightly regret that i fell into my own temptation. it's not your fault. it's mine entirely. i'm trying my very best not to let anyone in; i swear not trying to be mysterious- but i have many secrets i have to keep deep inside me. it's already so hard to struggle with them alone- and if you keep creeping in, i'm afraid the truth would be exposed. if i'm exposed, i don't know what dire consequences i might have to face. i know it's frustrating, why i can't i just be honest with you?don't i trust you? that's because i really, really cannot share what i have been trying to bury all these time. if it helps, letting the cat out of the bag might possibly question my morals, my dignity, my character, me, myself as a person. whatever pride and reputation i have and own might as well be snatched away from my grasp and dissolve like bubbles. i would be lost again, asking myself, who am i? it's not even, who can i be, what will i become- it's, who the fuck am i? the person i know will never do all this. but i did. my conscious is not clear and that's what been keeping me back all this time. i don't want to hurt you, like i did to those i love, or loved. it's not fair to you. i don't expect you to understand, but i hope this reason is enough for you. don't be troubled because of me. go forth and find another. i'm not worth your time, your energy, your feelings or you.