i know you're reading this.
i know the dire consequences.

we both will just be ignorant and be oblivious.
i know you'll go your own way, because you've seen to much.

you don't want to be tangled in this mess.
why be with somebody who is crazy emotional 24/7?

WTF.
because i know you are reading.

i want you to ask me if i'm okay,
i want you to come and see if i'm okay.

i want you to treat me special.
i want you to hug me and say everything is okay.

and that your feelings are true, even though i don't know what is next.
because i'm not always correct.

it takes two hands to clap.
one can only do this much.

i'm typing shit that i normally can handle to grab your attention.

a normal person will not do this.
but i'm not normal you see.
sick. nauseous.

damn you. what's with your attitude? just because you're the prettiest doesn't mean you have the rights to complain about everyone else and make excuses why they are not good enough for you. admit it. you want to be treated like a princess. admit it. your family is rich. you will not accept anything less. you will marry a rich guy and you will be a rich housewife. i don't like how you think i have a loose tongue when i don't. and i used to trust you. we shared the same unhappy ever ending fairy tale, but you had it better. because you're prettier. someone will bound to come running to you if you complain you're hurt or upset. they will tolerate your nonsense because you have a pretty face. they will all laugh at your jokes because you are damsel in distress. they will endure your fits because you are a princess and take it with a grain of salt until you are satisfied.
damn you. i don't know what you want anymore. first you are, then you're not. if you're not, then you're not. stop giving me bloody wrong signals. fine. my fault. i took my own sweet time, you lost interest and now you're running off to somebody else. nauseous. you claim to be here when you're not. you're having too much fun being with others. we who don't give you benefits will soon come to pass. nauseous. because we are not good enough? because we are a broken group? i agree. maybe that's why. we all smile with a mask. we don't know our true colours. we are all fake. nauseous.
damn you. i can't believe it. you of all people. don't. please. when i see the three of you together, nauseous. just because of the fleeting feelings everyone is tearing apart. not you too. i don't that. don't don't don't. i can tell when people start talking and asking. i know when you all come running. don't. nauseous. i'm no good for you. i extremely bad at dealing with this. if you're not direct, i will not be direct. but doing things the indirect way makes it worse. i will ignore you, pretend i'm oblivious, turn away, act like there's nothing wrong when every fucking thing is wrong. nauseous. i'm a fucking coward still. i only run away from difficult situations. i can't deal with complication. i get scared, i shut down, i cry, and i only blame everyone else and then blame everything on myself for not being able to deal with it.
maybe she's right.i'm not to be trusted. i'm foul. i play with your minds. i see past your true selves. i interpret, assume, confirm. i take that back. i don't play with your minds. i'm trying to avoid that. i try to avoid that by avoiding you all. nauseous. i swear i'm good inside. but i have layers and layers and layers of rotting flesh and dirt and crap. nauseous. i want you near. but i want you far. don't touch me. i'm afraid that history repeats itself. i don't want that. i like how we used to all be. but what happened to us all?

one that charmed and one that sees more value that it's worth? one that tired, sees the truth and turned to someone else? one that keeps to herself and will not engage in this foul play? one that only have eyes for the white truths, unaware of impending doom? one that over-thinks, over-judge, over-assume and shuns- aware of the crumbling of all, weeps, and wish that she'll be gone from this madness.

everything is just a lie.
she's not prettier than me,
i do not approve.

unless she's better than me skin deep,
then i have nothing to say.

but i have no right to say anything.
ouch ouch ouch it stings.

i'll just be a jealous bitch.
fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

screw you #%$@$%@$% and that person #$@%!#%R!
ARGH.

grace, do don't care. not at all;
not one bit.

you deserve better, get a grip &
RT @emeycia: carpe the fuck of this diem
just to answer my own thoughts,
yes, i've been a fool.

but that's ok.
you win some, you lose some.

one of my best guy friend just admitted that he would have asked me out then.
(he has a talented girlfriend now).

but i 'kind of' shot him down saying he's too skinny.
that was hilarious.

well, i was being 'brutally' honest as a friend.
i don't want to lie to my dear friend do i?

yes yes. you may think i'm too picky, there are a lot of nice guys around me.
but i just admitted i'm too picky.

1) i can't stand skinny guys. when i'm already issues with maintaining my size (yes i do complain that i 'gained weight' around my tummy when sometimes i don't just because i ate too much that day or 'feel fat' or just saying it just because i want to remind myself to not overeat. funny how i still like to secretly munch and chew on gummies and Tim Tams when no one is looking and crave for sushimi buffet and feel guilty after stuffing myself.) on a side note, i DO enjoy eating. i'm totally fine dating a 'big' guy. not fat guys. 'big' and preferably. -ahem, 'lean' guys. abs are a plus point.

2) stereotypical, but i would prefer dating guys who have a similar educational standing or higher than me. some of you may say, oh, smart/intelligent guys. yesss..something like that..but also something not like that...screw the educational thing. i want somebody who can think. who is able to have meaningful conversations with me and argue about ideas. i won't say i'm a smart girl. ha. Asians. i have absolutely no interest in politics, current economy, elections, advocacy, whatever. like seriously. someone asked me what are my views on advocacy once and i'm like. what the hell is advocacy. fml. truth to be told, i'm one of those ignorant law-abiding citizen who chooses what's best for me and everyone. that's it. i just pray that the government knows what they are doing and i'll go- ya, okay, ehhmm....off-topic, i just want to be with someone who knows what he's doing (capable), knows what is best for me and himself. i'm that dependent you see...plus, i find overly intelligent guys intimidating. they know too much, i know too little- i can't have a normal conversation with them when they find studying too easy and talk what's going around the world. i don't even read the newspaper.i feel that they'll look down on me. i'm slow of study and disinterested in change. i live in a world of fantasy where everything is nice and refuse to see the ugly side of life. sheesh. i should just dig myself a hole and stay inside. sorry. i don't know what advocacy is.

3) i will skip the part on looks and social economical status. oh wait. i shall not. GUYS. guys. tsk. they only have eyes for pretty girls. and only time tells them that what's inside is important. and the other not-so-pretty girls have to open our arms and welcome guys who originally went for looks. okok. same thing for some girls who only go for looks. but heyyyy..i'll be brutally honest again, my ex-boyfriend is not hot. he's average but he's cute to me in many different ways you won't understand. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. and the part about money. i can give you a lengthy answer on how i'm fine with 'poor' guys. but skip that. for once, let me date a rich man's son. i will, by my own hands, make him humble and thrifty myself and i can use the extra cash to do something else meaningful. i can say for myself i came from a well-to-do family. but i have zero interest in branded handbags and shoes. more than half my clothes are passed down or bought at a flea.

4) i think i have split personality. bear with me. i say i'm introvert but many do not believe so. i only speak when i have to, so that some people will not think i'm arrogant. i speak because i don't to be lonely and left out. i speak because i have to live in this world where social support plays a great role in my survival. i do not do well in big crowds but i grab attention with those short shorts or skirts i wear. i can't seem to talk to attractive males/females because they are too intimidating and that it'll burst my ego if i stand next to them-i simply do not have the nerve to bite off what i can chew. i want someone i can show off, but then, i'm too shy to speak to them. so i make excuses that i prefer guys who are more 'confident' and 'gentleman' and more 'traditional' in a way that they always have to make the first move first, so that i will not hurt my own ego.

5)this thing is too long and i have to pause my controversial thoughts for now to act in a play in Macbeth.
looked at my old pictures with my ex boyfriend.
i can't wait to find somebody new & have that much fun again :-)

it doesn't hurt anymore,
the pictures actually made me smile,

because that love was true,
and i'm waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet again.

though i think i'm not ready for a serious relationship now,
i don't mind dating again.

i'm not in a rush!
i'll be waiting for the right guy to come,

somebody whom i'd actually like-
rather than liking back a person who likes me.

somebody who can make me laugh and smile like this idiot up here ^
gosh, my eyes are small when i smile.
screw that.
i blew out the candles FIVE times.

who needs a boyfriend when you have such awesome friends?(:
well, for now at least!

LET ME BASK IN MY HAPPINESS BUBBLE.
a video dedicated to me. TO ME.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=GnIYS0SZAc4

first time ever. and he's not even my boyfriend.
I'M SO TOUCHED TT,TT

thank you God for my family, my friends! (:
for everything you've given me thus far & many more in the future.
i thought it's going to be another day.
yes, i kind of expected it, but i hope it wasn't.

i wasn't sure if events will occur.
so it's still considered as unexpected when it really did occur.

laughs.

of course, i miss the traditional feast or buffet for two.
but doing something different doesn't seem as bad.

indeed i did feel special at certain times of the day-
especially when i blew the candles four times at different times!

i didn't expect much presents;
but i received more than i expected and they made me very happy.

i really appreciated it,
especially the hand-made and DIY ones.

even the thoughtful call at 1am.
it warms my heart when i know some people do care and made the effort do dial.

so thank you my lovelies,
everything did exceed my expectations;

even though i did anticipate and expected some of them.
those were the times when i sigh and ask myself why i studied psychology.

because it gets really hard to be surprised anymore.
i find myself too successful at predictions. but still.

thank you all for making my birthday a special one.
it is indeed just another day;

but it is a very different and pleasant day i'm grateful for.
i miss being in love and love someone with all of my heart.
the flutter of my belly when i see your face,
how my eyes lit up when you turn to my way.

how i'll smile foolishly when you hold my hand,
and how our kisses are sweet and only meant for us.

how you'll lead the way and i follow,
trusting you'll bring me everywhere.

how you hug me tight,
protective and holding me close to your chest.

how i fall asleep on your shoulder and feel safe,
you collar bone smells like your favorite cologne;

you clothes that i picked for you which too,
smell fresh and clean out from the laundry.

how i lie on your arm and curl beside you,
if ever, you sweeping my hair back behind my ear;

and know that you're mine,
and that i'm yours and yours alone.

.
.
.

i treasure those times and will keep all that within.
and now, i will not accept anything less.

you really set a high benchmark didn't you.
laughs   

i hope i did too.
trying not to expect too much,
because if expectations are not met,
hopes are crushed, you lose faith, you feel low.

my hopes are being crushed, i'm losing faith, i feel low.

it's ok.
2 more days;

then i can be sure.
if i've been a fool.

i just read this: http://fortydaysofdating.com/


i take it as i'm making a fool of myself the whole time.

why am i so stupid and blind?
i will not care anymore.

you can do whatever you want.
i have less than a year left anyway.

i can wait.
like i used to wait for 17 years.

enjoy this freedom grace.
breath and live.

not counting 11 days anymore.
i lived another year-

i get why some don't want to celebrate their birthdays.
i get it now.

only fools rush in
time of the month again-

i just want to cry and be hugged to sleep.
what's the use of being beautiful inside,
when my face looks like shit?

i'm almost 21, and my hormones are still raging;
why the hell do pimples keep popping up?

like my face haven't gotten enough scars;
there's always a new bomb, landmine waiting to explode,

with more blood loss, new ditches,
all black and blue and stained red.

why do i still have to fight this endless battle,
when i know i can never win?

i'm always patient, waiting for them to detonate by themselves;
so that i won't suffer more scars.

but when it explodes and heals,
another comes along and seriously,

there's no more space on my face.
i hate it.

i hate my skin.
it makes me lose confidence.

like i have any to begin with-
it kills my self esteem,

when girls who ain't pretty but possess good skin,
put on make up and become pretty.

i can't even put on make up for fears of making the pimples worse.
i have to look at people in the face and pretend the landmines are nonexistent.

if i could,
i would wear a mask everyday.

tired,
tired of being ugly.

tired,
tired of being helpless.
so happened phantom of the opera song started playing on my playlist;
and i started getting angry again.

pissed.
oh god.

i hate you :(

*tantrums*
i guess i haven't entirely forgave you yet.

i was quite affected by it.
you better do something to appease me.

big time.
the cheek of you to ask.

it's not like you're taking in my hints anyways.
oh, are they not obvious enough?

what is deterring you exactly?

you know; time is running out.
if you never try, you'll never learn, you'll never know.

you'll regret not trying.

unless of course,
i'm too much to handle,

or that i'm obviously a wrong choice.

i'd say, in 20 days,
that's your last shot.

if you don't try,
everything will stay the same.

& i'll just wrongly assume that you're a coward
& you have no guts.

or,
that i'm making a fool out of myself the whole time;

that i failed to make an educated judgement,
and so i was wrong,

very very wrong.

that said, in 20 days,
my eyes will not follow yours,

& i will give myself alternative options.