i need to write this down. else i'll go bonkers and be distracted from doing my essay. yesterday happened. so many things. it was further confirmed that the boy i used to love is dating my best friend's good friend. yes, ugh. vomit. i allow you to. that was my initial reaction. how could he. he moved on without me. he found someone else better (i presume) than me. he has already brought her to meet his friends. i wonder what his friends are going to say about her. do they like her more than me? does his parents like her more than me? from the day i lost him- i've lost. and i'm not going to imagine all the things that he did to me to her. ugh ugh ugh.

but then, they boy i used to love has vanished. from what i have seen or heard, he's regressed. to someone he used to be before i even came into his life- or worse. dear dear bunny. do you know that he doesn't like crowds? he's socially awkward he said. did he tell you that? he doesn't stand for nonsense- did you know that? he's extremely stubborn and has a huge ego, did you know that? even so, i used to like that part of him- it's so funny how he goes his way to do all those things he'll never do for others but only me. but can you make him do that for you as well? to make him trust you completely with his ego to make him do things for you when he doesn't. because he loved me and not because it's his job. but maybe. maybe because he knows it's a boyfriend's job to calm your insecurities- to maintain his ego, he calms you down. i don't know. but he was patient with me. can you do that bunny?

will you stand by him and listen to his woes? will you show genuine care and concern during his time in the force? will you be with him when his friends are not there always there for him? are you able to connect and be part of his group of friends? can you light a smile in his face whenever his comes out from army, sweaty and smelly and exhausted? will you love him for him, no matter how much he changed or will not change? will you love his family too, be nice to his brother, respect his father and engage with his mother? will you play with champ his dog and bring him out for walks and fawn over him? do you have the patience to wait for him to grow up and make him understand that the world is not against him and that he has to stop feeling sorry for himself? are you able to break down his strong-front and make him proud of who he is, inspire him to have a goal, a vision for tomorrow and not just accept death when it's time to die? yes, to be able to accept death anytime may sound great to him; but we're so young. there's so much more challenges and possibilities in the near future; so many things he hasn't tried. why on earth does he accept death so easily? please. i tried to change his mind. but then he lived for me and not for himself. that's wrong too. so can you take over my role bunny? make him a even better person of himself, make him realize life is not his enemy?

i figured out the real reason why he chose you. i may not be correct; but it's unhealthy for both of you. he cannot give you the things you wanted. he's even more fragile than you. you left your perfect boyfriend and went to him. he chose you because it stroked his ego. you chose him rather than your perfect boyfriend. that's what i perceived. again, i might be wrong. nevertheless, it's not doing any of you two any good. i'm not saying you should leave him be- but don't expect too much of him yet. since you claimed to see being with him long term- be patient. let him go to you, let him make his choice. he will come to you when he's ready. but sometimes he tend to take too long. so i left. so can you bunnny- take care of him when i can't?

i loved the old him. but the new one, he's all yours. what's left of my feelings for him are regret, gratefulness and concern. he took good care of me the whole time. mostly. but eventually, i couldn't do the same for him. so bunny, can you do that for him? all the hate, jealousy and negative feelings i had surprisingly vanished some time ago when i wasn't watching. all i see is a broken boy who turned to you for comfort, for joy, for support. will you love him till the ends of the earth like you promised?

cat.