i don't know what i'm waiting for anymore.

getting isolated moments of affection and attention from you who is otherwise guarded and distant in front of others. and because of that, it makes me hang on every move you make; to see if it's going to be the one that ruins or completely makes my day.

thinking of you constantly, with rather few interactions in real life, even when i made the effort to come by and knock; you're not even there. i understand. assignments are priority. and probably your other friends and members of your committee. then feeling hurt i ask, where do i stand? thinking about you, my thoughts and desires wished are just imaginary.

and that, getting your attention once in a blue moon from you, someone whom i perceive to be much involved, popular, social and worthy than me is enough. that affection and attention which i perceive and hope that only i receive, makes me feel honored. that getting a bit of your time is ample, not caring how i want the feelings to be reciprocated in daylight.

unless it's because of our wrong start, we see each other as the default option again and again- i became incredibly comfortable being with you without really feeling any romantic emotions, only waiting to see what happens and hoping something actually do develop after awhile. and because of this, seeing you in darkness has to be discreet and somewhat hidden and unspoken- pretending what's real only happens in the night and shadows.

maybe because you think i'm still trying to move on from a relationship or because i'm moving away. or because i'm too open, too mysterious, too experienced, too complicated?doing whatever done pricks your self-conscious, because you're unready, too unsure, too private, too inexperienced, too indecisive? being overwhelmed by the whole forbidden nature of it we can't really understand how we actually feel about it. or maybe you assume i'm doing all this because i am attempting to re-ignite a relationship i used to have and miss; and our times together is simply to recreate something i used to have and lost?

so is this love? is this romance? or have i been mistaking it for something else?

you let it go.