i feel that the longer my hair becomes, the more power i have to sweep people off their feet it across you cheek.

sadly, it's dyed so many times it's no longer jet black and as healthy looking.
but thankfully, every strand is thick enough to avoid absorbing the chemical colours fully which make it too dry, too damaged.

i just need it to be 3 inches longer. my hair grows fast. give me ~2-3 more months, i'm going to be that Asian hipster wannabe with waist-long hair which looks highlighted.
then i'll consider tip-dyeing purple. #YOLO

i'll just need another cap, Dr. martins & that perfect flat tummy to match & start swagging ;D
because you never really let go.
i never stopped believing in people.

that's why i'm in this field.
because i never stopped believing in all of you.

i cried.
i haven't cried for so long.

but it's ok.
i'll be fine.
sometimes today, i was angry at myself.
why did it end?
we were perfect together. why did things end this way?

i was angry at you. i wanted to blame everything on you. i want to hit you so bad until it hurts and i start crying in your bloodied mess. we don't fight over stupid reasons. we respected our flaws. we were comfortable with each other. we don't play games. we would go everywhere and do everything together. i did everything right. i was never ridiculously demanding. i never stopped you meeting your friends. i didn't complain about your appearance. i loved your family. i loved your friends. i loved your obnoxious ways and eccentric ways. i loved your socially awkwardness. i loved how you put me as priority. i know you loved me. but you took me for granted. you were upset for too long and you don't see me by your side. you were too tired to text. you took too long to call. if only you followed me. if only you called and asked what's wrong. if only i didn't missed your company. if only you shouted. cried. be agitated. do something dramatic and stupid. i am angry at you. why didn't you push further? why didn't you try harder? why couldn't you be angry at me?why couldn't you blame me? why couldn't you hate me? why must you still love me? why?

but if only i waited. but i'm not perfect. i'm only human.

i am done being rational about it. i want to blame you for making me make the wrong decisions. i blame you for taking me for granted. i blame you for making me love you. i blame you for not blaming me. i hate you for not hating me. i hate you because i know you too well. please be someone i don't know so i can hate you. nothing can be fixed anymore. it's too late. i hate you for being too slow. why can't you keep up?

because right now, i need to rely on somebody i can trust.
right now, i want to be in the arms of someone who can keep me safe.
right now, i'm so tired; i want to rest beside someone who can give me strength.

but right now, i lost faith in men. i do not wish to involve myself in a fairytale story. right now, i have my hands full dealing with reality.
it stings. even though it's over.
no matter how much you crave those memories.
they're only memories & have to be left alone.

else, you won't be able to move on.
it stings. that disgust when they still try to creep in only in the shadows.
when they don't say what they want but their behavior tells otherwise.

all you want to do is to get away from them.
but social group memberships need to be protected.
they're the only nuclear family we can depend on for food, affection, security and other resources.

how else can you survive alone?
the only thing that could be done is to grit your teeth and be the better person.
ignorant is bliss.

in this era where women fight for the better man,
they have no rush, for age does not affect their self-worth.
women loses in this race.

either submit to masculinity or risk being alone.
no. i will not join their rat race just to please and be belittled.
what's the point when you won but you lost yourself?

someday, i know, there'll be somebody who'll be sick of it.
but it's still a lose-lose situation.
they've got all the time in the world and have had been swamped by many.

so what's the point of reserving yourself for the better man?
so i've been thinking.
why not compete and teach them both a lesson?

nah. you'd only waste resources.
if i'm going to play,
i'm still going to lose anyway.

so why even try?
i'm did not give up.
i'm merely waiting for a person actually worth fighting for.