sometimes today, i was angry at myself.
why did it end?
we were perfect together. why did things end this way?

i was angry at you. i wanted to blame everything on you. i want to hit you so bad until it hurts and i start crying in your bloodied mess. we don't fight over stupid reasons. we respected our flaws. we were comfortable with each other. we don't play games. we would go everywhere and do everything together. i did everything right. i was never ridiculously demanding. i never stopped you meeting your friends. i didn't complain about your appearance. i loved your family. i loved your friends. i loved your obnoxious ways and eccentric ways. i loved your socially awkwardness. i loved how you put me as priority. i know you loved me. but you took me for granted. you were upset for too long and you don't see me by your side. you were too tired to text. you took too long to call. if only you followed me. if only you called and asked what's wrong. if only i didn't missed your company. if only you shouted. cried. be agitated. do something dramatic and stupid. i am angry at you. why didn't you push further? why didn't you try harder? why couldn't you be angry at me?why couldn't you blame me? why couldn't you hate me? why must you still love me? why?

but if only i waited. but i'm not perfect. i'm only human.

i am done being rational about it. i want to blame you for making me make the wrong decisions. i blame you for taking me for granted. i blame you for making me love you. i blame you for not blaming me. i hate you for not hating me. i hate you because i know you too well. please be someone i don't know so i can hate you. nothing can be fixed anymore. it's too late. i hate you for being too slow. why can't you keep up?

because right now, i need to rely on somebody i can trust.
right now, i want to be in the arms of someone who can keep me safe.
right now, i'm so tired; i want to rest beside someone who can give me strength.

but right now, i lost faith in men. i do not wish to involve myself in a fairytale story. right now, i have my hands full dealing with reality.